30 Days of Creativity and Play/Vulnerability

When you're being creative sometimes things get you down. When this happens, you may not notice it right away but it affects your work. Keeping the excitement that comes with being creative at the forefront of your mind is a process. In The Artist's Way there's a tool called you're creative well and it's made up of everything that inspires, books, poems, films , paintings, quirks, songs, jokes. If you keep your well fully stocked you'll never forget what a privilege to experience everything there is to offer.

This challenge, easy as it sounds got off to a slow start because I was letting my well dry up. Work was beating me down. And I was sad....yeah big surprise right? Well when I devoted myself to day of creative it ended up being harder than any of the other challenges....because I'm fucked up. What could be better than being in situations where you just get to play? Sounds great. I had to spend a few days just being lame and trying to remember what made me happy.

I wanted to spend this time, this challenge finger painting and shooting nerf rockets but I didn't know what to do. It was a gradual return, I went and brought an album I always loved on vinyl, Jefferson Airplane's Surrealistic Pillow the album is famous for their singles. 'Somebody to Love' and 'White Rabbit' I sat and listened to the whole thing beginning to end. No computers or any of that shit. I took in the music totally unplugged. Next I spent some time trying to work on my script, that was hit or miss. Without putting everything out there, my script is about superheros ( I know) and I needed inspiration so I simply wikipedia'd articles on my favorite comic book characters. Within the hour I was on a message board debating which characters would win in a fight. At first I was embarrassed that I spent time thinking about such juvenile shit but then I realized that was just the kind of play I needed. I spent the next day at the bookstore purchasing comic books and books of poetry.

And toady, I decided a better way to guide this challenge is to do multiple artist dates each week. As opposed to one. One of the most interesting artist dates I came across was: 'Create a book of quotes from your friends'

This was awesome because I forgot how many weird friends and acquaintances  I have. The quotes were sometime encouraging, sometimes , hilarious, often random and so on.

So I'm back on the right track. As far as vulnerability I think I've said enough shit here. Stay tuned.          

Day 2 30 Days of creativity and play and getting my ass kicked

Yesterday was a day of creativity and play. I went to the park and saw animals in the wild. I saw a whole pond filled with turtles and wanted to give the, all names. I saw a bunny and I picked five pretty flowers. I even did something I hadn't done in nearly 20 years I collected rocks!

If you're ever at a loss of what to do with idle time just go find a pretty rock. It's easier than you think. I remember thinking about how much I loved New York and it was odd because it couldn't be further from New York. But I realized how much it was all a state of mind for me. The lightness I feel when I'm in a city I love was, for the first time duplicated right in my own back yard. Not literally. But ya know.

I treated myself the whole day and that doesn't mean I jerked off. I mean I took a walk brought myself lunch than browsed my favorite record store. And did it all in a few hours. Just like when I meditate I couldn't believe how much experience was I'm such a small span of time.

So that's the play what about the vulnerability. I remember just thinking of Whitman being out in nature. And I remember a friend always asking me to read her Whitman like an 8 year old asking for a bedtime story and that was the first time I'd been able to laugh at my friend who I had grown apart from. That's why it's no healthy to try to pretend shit that hurt you didn't happen because you never know when you might look back and have a revelation. People grow apart that's just what happens and it's especially hard when you feel it happening, let them go gracefully but it doesn't hurt to leave something behind :)

30 Days of Creativity and Play

1  30 Days of Creativity and Play

The Talks Elizabeth Gilbert: Your elusive creative genius:  First off this is my all time favorite TED talk. She talks about the many anxieties that writers face and she also discusses how she dislikes the idea that all artists are manic depressive alcoholic pieces of shit. She spends most of the talk pointing out how frightening the prospects of being an artist can be. She tries to backtrack and uncover if previous generations had a less frustrating approach to being an artist. The big kicker is that the word genius only started referring to a single person in recent generations, the word comes from an idea that ‘genius’ is an entity of its own something that inhabits artists every so often, this is wonderful because there is significantly less pressure on the artists. The idea is not only that we have to take the chance and embrace our creative process and think of it that we may be inhabited by this daemon and most importantly it encourages us to check in with ourselves and talk out with our creative spirits. Creativity doesn’t have to be this shitty painful internalized thing.     

Tales of Creativity and Play: This talk is really a blast, for me it’s a little bit tough but it’s really just an invitation to screw around and have a blast with your work. The talk encourages the amount of openness we have as children and when you’re exploring it makes sense. There was the episode of Rugrats where the kids all get really excited about a box because they each imagine it as something else.

The Challenge: Sounds like a simple 30 days but make no mistake friends. This will be an odyssey that will test my mind body at spirit. There are two things to take away from my favorite talk, first is the idea that when people thought a genius was going to possess them they would go out and do their dance and even if they weren’t sure that genius was going to possess them they would dance anyway. So the idea here as beautiful as the whole the thing sounds is to….dance anyway MOTHERFUCKER!! To do your work regardless of the creative spark. The next bit is to check in with myself to reach out and talk to whatever elusive muse is out there and say, can’t you see I’m trying to sleep or just say hey I’m trying to masturbate here? Deal with your muse.

Then the other part should be simple right? Just play preferably something ridiculous maybe I’ll sit in a box or go to a pet store. Or draw some unicorns or take pictures of my dog that’d be awesome right? Just play. But the idea only starts silly it’s not meant to be mindless. It’s to build towards something.

30 Days of Getting My Ass Kicked: Half Way Point

Its only been 15 days and I didn't even blog for all of them and I'm continuing my theory that I invited this in. Its been a shitty 15 days and the hardest part is even though I've acknowledging how hard its all been I've been wondering if I've really been following the steps. Telling my whole story. But there's been one person who I have told it all to.

My friend Charlotte, who's only about twenty has been witness to all my bullshit from halfway around the world and I thought to myself today that maybe I should give her a break from me. She's a girl who's wise beyond her years and will probably be incredibly successful. She's been incredibly concerned for me during this period where I've been a whiny bitch. And not this lame concern where you unload on them and they nod, but a real concern where they go out of their way to ask how you are.

I'm grateful for her concern and that I have such a beautiful friend. But I also feel really guilty. Why should this girl have to play therapist to some idiot on the other end of the globe? I was ready to take one of my breaks from Facebook. I periodically take these just to unplug. I told her I was getting off and she was upset that we wouldn't have any other way to talk. She knew I had been struggling and actually wanted to continue to talk.

I realized something. Charlotte was never someone I put on some bullshit guise for. Even when I first met her. I told her the second time we hung out about what a hard time I was having when we were drinking vodka straight from the bottle. I told her my girl problems and all the issues with my script and so an and she wasn't freaked out or anything. She's the fastest growing friendship I've ever had and it came from me telling my whole story to her.When you meet someone really genuine you need not worry about awkwardness or any of that shit and for you skeptics, believe me they are out there.  

30 Days of Getting My Ass Kicked and so it goes.

Am I doing this write? I don't think so. Telling myself is getting harder and harder as I get closer to 26 and in turn closer to 30 and the gaps in everything I always imagined for myself grow wider and wider. Some days I'm so in my head that when I re focus I think that I'm lucky I wasn't driving because I could have driven head on into a barrier.

What happened? I worked a lot and I've come to the conclusion that I hate my job but maybe that's all my fault I mean I've put myself in this position for a year and maybe I'm really encouraging this shitty situation maybe its my fault. I think about before my friend went away she told me I'd be a famous director when she got back and I don't think I could be further off.

At work I try to have meaningful conversations with guests and this is usually to no avail. I try to recount positive memories from the day and while there's never anything that stands out. But maybe this is an area where its okay to be vulnerable, maybe I need to tell the story about how I'm not okay with this situation and that its really something that gets me down. You know what else has me feeling like I'm not enough is that I have multiple superiors who are younger than me. Its not only that I work where I do, it's that I'm in the most inconsequential position. This is what I have to tell me people when they ask about my career. I guess I'm vulnerable now but this all fucking really frustrating and honestly I don't feel better discussing it.

All I need right now is the sense of love and belonging. Now what does everyone tell me. That this is just a necessary step and that I'm still so young. And I can't argue, they are right. I just don't have the courage to be imperfect. Here's one more thing before I go. Me and my friend, the one I keep bringing up. The friendship reached its end. It didn't work. I can't help but feeling like I failed. And it happens, people come and go and its normal. I didn't fail I'm just imperfect but I can't except that right now. I feel vulnerable I feel all kinds of shame, but I'm still not at the point where telling mys story turns into any kind of connection. Oh my god this is gonna suck.

Day 6 or I don't know. 30 Days of Getting your Ass Kicked

I think I'm going to lay off the alcohol for the remainder of this challenge or at least reduce it and I think I'm going to get off of Facebook. Not only have these traumatic sad experiences shaken me up the last few days but its been especially challenging whenever I have to relay it back to someone else. No why would I relay it back to anyone else? Because that's the whole part of this motherfucking challenge that matters.

Tell your whole story.

I've had a year of being down on myself that came from a combination of things, but now I look at it and its really been more like a year of recovery. I realize something, that as I express myself more, the more I open I become the more I, in turn become receptive to others around me. I become less of a judgmental assclown. This happened the other night when I randomly called a friend, who I guess had a year just like mine and is now finally on to better things. It was one of the best times I'd ever had hanging out with her. And it was an occasion where I was taken back by how genuinely excited I was for someone else. It's a not a feeling I have normally because I'm insanely jealous of others success and that's one of the worst mindsets anyone can possibly have. Because not only does the feeling of being truly happy for someone make you not a piece of shit by very definition, but because its a great feeling. Other people's journeys should feel like inspiration not hindrances. 

So here's what I have to say. If you can do this with a friend that's great and if you can do it with an acquaintance that's even better. Take the time to be in awe of someone's journey even if its all about a really good cupcake they found. Take this in more often and fighting the good fight will start to come way more naturally.    

Day 4 30 Days of Getting Your Ass Kicked

This is probably closer to Day 6 well. Fuck how did that happen. Maybe I should just stop labeling the days and just blog whenever I can. You know what? I'm not looking for perfection. Just progress. The last few days kicked my ass. Here's what happened I was a champion on Thursday morning. I completed my Artist's Way stuff and I had written a nice portion of my script and then stupid shit happened. My best/friend I've always had a thing for....yeah the same one I blocked. Got engaged. Despite everything I found out.

I'm not going to turn this entry into a post about my personal life. Or how I'm tired of being friendzoned or anything stupid like that. Because that's not what this bullshit blog is about. The blog is about how a deal with it. And I didn't do it the right way. I drank way too much and spent dinner describing my sexual exploits to my parents over martinis. I spent the rest of the night in a drunken stupor, taking a bubble bath and calling up random friends with all my sad stories. This is the part that's important. Because not only did I purge all my sadness and even cry for portions but I opened up to....shit...I don't know how many people I have to check my phone.

And it wasn't just that I cried like a bitch. It was that so many other people re assured me that they'd been through just as much nonsense. The general consensus was...that it sucks and its going to keep sucking. That's never on any plaques but it really is the best advice sometimes, no tactics no reflections, just the realization that....things can get pretty shitty. Wow I wanted this to sound profound but here we are. I wish I could remember the better advice I was given but I was drunk. More updates soon.

30 Days of Getting Your Ass Kicked: Day 3

When labeling theses posts I always forget if I should put the challenge first or the number of days.

How do you set out to start your day when you're deciding to be vulnerable? Do walk out the door, looking for things that will make you cry? Do you tell strangers about your insecurities you have addressing women in public? Well maybe in time. But for right now it's about recognizing situations that make you feel vulnerable and....I'm not sure....being okay with it? Well maybe not. I don't know this is a process. 

Was I especially insecure today? No not really I was pretty chill at work today. But my job is boring. Here's what I'm vulnerable about. After having a meeting I went to a friends birthday celebration and had some drinks. I had an adorable friend who also has the plan to move to NY around the same time as me. It was great talking to her about our mutual plans but it was also a little scary. Why because she plans on moving really soon and I have no reason not to do the same. I'm just scared. I mean what is this shit am I this much of a lunatic? Why can't I just throw my hat over the wall and commit to something. 

But that part doesn't even matter. The point is I'm constantly faced with these bullshit existential questions while in social situations and this all drastically cuts down on my fun. I have a hard time being in the moment. Again this challenge leaves me sitting with my thumb up my ass because this is something I need to work on.

But here's a start. My friend kept telling me that in regards to moving that she'd never been so equally excited and scared. Which doesn't sound so bad. When I look back I realize all the times I was scared ended up being my craziest memories. Why can't I maintain that in the moment. Maybe if I took more jumps I would remember how exciting it is being a little afraid.

30 Days of Getting Your Ass Kicked: Day 2

" By tossing out the old and unworkable, we make way for the new and suitable. When the search and discard impulse seizes you, two crosscurrents are at work: the old you is leaving and grieving, while the new you celebrates and grows strong. As with any rupture there is both tension and relief. Long seated depression breaks up like an ice-floe. Long Frozen feelings thaw, melt, cascade, flood and often overrun their container (you). You may find yourself feeling volatile and changeable. You are.

Be prepared for bursts of tears and laughter. A certain giddiness may accompany certain stabs of loss. Think of yourself as an accident victim walking away from the crash: your old life has crashed and burned: your new life isn't apparent yet. You may feel yourself to be temporarily without a vehicle. Just keep walking."

 

This is my favorite section of the whole of The Artist's Way. Today was a day where all that depression broke up like and ice-flow. There's a challenge on Superbetter that asks to take a risk. Just a small step forward towards what you've been working on. I realized this whole past year, starting when I turned 25, has been a long period of recovery. I've been trying to work on my art by working on my life and its had mixed results. Today I was vulnerable, even if I only read my whole story back to myself. I pinpointed so much of my misery back to one relationship. And its hard because nobody means to do that much damage to someone. But it just happens. It was odd because she was the person who gave me The Artist's Way and she's the exact kind of person the book encourages you to get rid of. It not to say that all my misery came from her, but when you take the step to change, it shakes up everything in your life and the sensation of feeling so changeable is once in a blue moon. 

 

I came to all these decisions and revelations largely without anyone knowing. I worked a long shift today, wished all the guests a Jolly Saint Patrick's day and high fived everyone all while processing a major shift. When I drove home after cutting this person out (on my lunch break) so many of the criticisms I used to apply to myself were gone. I mean this whole year I've been waking up at night feeling like I haven't done enough. 25 is still such a scary age today when you consider that Orson Welles was 25 when he made Citizen Kane and now I'm close to 26 but today I looked back at the year, thought about my standup, the friends I've made and I felt like "Oh I did pretty well". And what this has to do with the toxic person I said goodbye to is this: with this person I was always feeling like I needed to do more, but not for me, to show her how great I am, but this whole feeling of not being enough melted away as soon as I decided once and for all that this person didn't matter. 'I am enough' is what I found myself thinking. All the self doubt and soul searching was part of the process. So what? I took a year to breath and recover, smell flowers, travel, meet people, do comedy, blog, cry, punch walls, and so on. I'm okay with what I've done...I think...

 

My friend Charlotte had a hand in helping me wipe this person off my FB. She wrote me a message from my perspective. 

  

Hi my name is Greg and I hereby promise myself to not try to look her up again

I'm a cool dude and I don't need no girl who aint got time for me, cause you can be sure as hell i aint got time for them

btw im awesome and my name is greg.

Day 1: 30 Days of getting yoyr ass kicked

There's pros and cons to this new challenge. The pro is that unlike the happiness exercise it's not dependent on a bunch of tasks. This challenge is more of a state of mind where I can freewheel it and just jot down whatever is on my mind. Which brings me to the con. And that's when putting my true feelings out there I feel it's necessary to provide a disclaimer that I'm not going to murder anyone every few paragraphs. Yeah, when you air your most personal insecurities as I'm about to, I'm convinced I'll have a few readers concerned about my mental health.

Today I was thinking about the talk, the vulnerability one. One of the specifics is being able to tell your whole story. And what does that mean exactly? I think it means not shying away from the real you. The real you is something that isn't instantly apparent for most of us and it's something you loose sight of when you become increasingly tolerant of shit that irks you. Typically when someone says 'its okay' its really not. So the first thing you need to do to identify the real you is to pick out all the things that make you say okay when it really isn't.

So what's all this shit mean?

Basically I just got from a trip to NYC. New York is my favorite city and I the past years its where I go to become spiritually rejuvenated. Which is weird because I imagine most people leave New York to become spiritually rejuvenated. Point is I came back feeling a bit weird, I looked forward to the trip for so long I felt sad like I had nothing to look forward to. But that was good because it helped me realize how much my situation needs to change. 1. I need to realize what exactly it is I want to to do 2. There's still a potentially toxic relationship that I need to end. The person I need to forget about was the person I had gone with to NYC two years ago and this time I realized that two whole years had passed. In two years I've had acquaintances get married, have kids and leave relationships that were troublesome (every-time I use the word troublesome I feel like a fuckin grandpa)  and I just realized if all that shit could be done in two years time then I can certainly forget about this person. 3. It's not all this person's fault because I have serious relationship problems. What's especially irritating is its a very-

Disclaimer: I Have no intentions of murdering anyone.

Specific issue. I have no problems meeting new people or socializing. I have lots of attractive lady friends and typically with those relationships I become as close as two people can become without being intimate and I just can't take that extra leap. What I told my friend was " I just don't know about romance and making sparks and I always end up confused." So just to be clear I'm not one of those friendzone clowns. Because I know that I'm the problem. I'm too calculated, and in my head to find myself in the spontaneous place where love blossoms. In fact what I realized is that all the relationships or flings that I had they occurred during really lighthearted periods. Now on the other hand all the shitty moments of insecurity and unrequited romances happened after any light hardheartedness had passed. It's like as soon as I put my feelings out there in the universe or really committed to wanting to actually date someone I was struck down, in some Biblical fashion. Only instead of turning into a pillar of salt, I would just be sentenced to listening to sad love songs and masturbating by myself.

Now there's one more con to this challenge. And that is that there are not really any solutions. At least not for a while. This challenge is about self awareness and that's a long annoying process but its one that I'm saddling up for. Till next time.

30 days getting your ass kicked Intro: And Return

On this day next year I'll be done.

I'm treating my first two talks as a primer for what's coming now where I really buckle down. I let a lot of this get away from me and its upsetting because the happiness exercise was really yielding results. I'm also going to post a reflection about some of my experiences with the super better app. That has been a small revelation. Point is I'm not giving up on my little journey. And I'm spearheading the real adventure with a challenge based around one of my top five TED talks. Brene' Brown's The Power Of Vulnerability. Should TED talks be italicized? Who gives a shit.The point is that I'm a messy crazy character full of shenanigans and that's a beautiful thing. Here's the talks.

1.       30 days getting your ass kicked.

The Talks:

Kathryn Schultz: On Being Wrong: The image that stuck with me from Kathryn’s talk was she conjured the image of Wile Coyote not falling down until he realizes he fucked up. Being wrong feels pretty awful and all we need to remind ourselves of that is to look at that paper from elementary school where our teacher marks it up with a red pen. Hell, maybe that happened recently. And our perceptions about the person who wrote this paper are always negative. The idea is that if we get something wrong there’s something wrong with us. That’s not case and it’s important to abandon this internal sense of rightness. We have assumptions about those who disagree with us. But what’s tragic is being wrong is the whole point of being human and most people miss out on that.

Brene Brown: The Power of Vulnerability  Brown had what she calls a breakdown when she realized that the people who let themselves be seen were in fact the people who were more likely to find love. The definition of courage really means to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. In order for connection to happen we have to let ourselves be seen. The people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people with a strong sense believe they are worthy of love and belonging. Its all pretty shocking because basically what it means is that if you're one of those lunatics always going on about what an emotional idiot you are, her prescription is basically to embrace that because you'll actually be better off. Because if you're like me or like miss Brown, you're full of vulnerabilities and insecurities but try to fight them off with a stick and usually just make them worse. This talk presents a more optimistic way of dealing with all that.  

The Challenge: One of the only times I got into a disagreement with my therapist is where he told me he was not big on turning negatives into positives. And he’s right but it’s important because that’s not what this is. What it is about is being okay with being wrong or backwards or overshooting with all the love I might have to give. I love boxing, I could never do it but I can imagine stepping into the ring and instead of being hit being prepared to be wrong. There’s a saying at my job where if a guest has a question we don’t know the answer to we say ‘I don’t know but let’s find out together’ maybe its bigger than working in a theme park and maybe that’s a piece of advice I should heed even if I’m not dressed like a sideshow freak. 

The Activity: The challenge is to reflect on times that I’ve been wrong and rethink the consequences and realize most of them were no big. And think about times when I thought one thing would happen and something else did. And think about how a disagreement I might have had led to difference in perspective and the values of those perspectives.

Second, here’s the tricky part.

>Have the Courage to tell your whole story with your full heart.

>Have the compassion to love yourself love that you fucked up the numbers last night.

>Here's what you're missing. Just be authentic forget what you need to be here's the real challenge.

>Try not numb myself with any drugs or alcohol. I also will not perfect for the sake of not being vulnerable. 

> Love with your whole heart.

> Let yourself be seen. 

> Practice gratitude and joy and not in the great moments in the awful ones.

> And remember that I am enough 

Fucking crazy right?

30 Days of Happiness reflection

So I screwed up the last week or so of my happiness challenge, I became almost a week behind on my blog entries. Between my friend moving back, work, and trying to plan a half assed trip to New York I really lost track of my priorities. But I don't quiet think I failed. I look back at February and this whole challenge has made things feel especially long. But I look back and its full of the memories I recalled and the thing is the nonsense I listed might not be anymore significant than the shit that happens in any given month. But what matters is I appreciate it all a lot more.

Towards the end of the month I was on the phone with my friend Kari (she won't care that she's named) and she's taken up coaching me on all my Artist's Way tasks. She's knows my process and she won't allow to flip out and derail the whole thing because I'm discouraged. "We're just looking for progress not perfection". That's all I've needed to tell myself this whole time. In February I've grown closer with my family, returned to standup, met other comedians, ran outside with my dog and picked up a yellow flower and contemplated how well everything in life was really falling into place, I learned random shit about the presidents and started drawing president Roosevelt's guinea pigs. He had five of them. Not that that matters.

But the most important part of this whole exercise isn't that it's easier for me. The point is and the whole reason I embarked on this idiotic quest was because the talk was entitled 5 secrets to happier work. Happiness makes you more effective at getting shit done. I saw that the most at work especially all the mornings I was up early, it used to be the opportune time for me to indulge in all kinds of self hatred. But Lately I find myself thinking 'today is going to be just fine'.

Baby steps people.

I put most of my personal projects on hold. My screenwriting, my comedy, filmmaking and so on well now I'm excited to return to all those things. Because I can have fun with my work now....I think. And I realized that was something sorely missing from my work process. I think about my ideas and am absolutely giddy about them but when I sit down to write...and not as fun. But now my mentality has changed.

I know that happiness is a choice that's simpler than a lot of people make it out to be and now with this ability I can handle a lot more. I feel like I need someone to play M to my James Bond, to stand behind a desk and ask me 'are you ready to get back to work Greg?'

With pleasure M. With Pleasure.      

Day 20 and 5 of Happiness and Physical challenges.

So now its Friday and this whole day is a big misfired artist date. I need to get more creative because my last several involved me going to the mall. The satire in Dawn of The Dead finally made sense when I consider how many times I've found myself with nothing to do and opted to go to the mall. Now sometimes if I set out to go on an artist and if I find the whole thing uninspired I don't count it for my artist date. My plan was for my date to go out and compliment 5 strangers and I have to be honest that I completely pussied out on this one. First is nobody really seemed happy or open to any conversation at Barnes and Noble and second, I and I hope this doesn't make me sound like a dick but I didn't see anyone I wanted to compliment. I mean if I stared at anyone long enough I would've been able to pick something out but then you run the risk of looking fucking insane. So I'll put that artist date away for another day.

The positive part of the day was deciding what book to buy. I had several gift cards with me and I realized I hadn't grown up at all because just like when I was a kid in the toy store I couldn't decide what to get. I read lots of poems that day and that was the high point in fact I read lots of random ass books. A poem that especially stood out was Whitman's 'Crossing Brooklyn Ferry'

I also read joke books, books about random facts, and books about samurai. Someone should really create a blog based around reading as many bargain books as they can and documenting what they learn. Point is, when I was going through all the books on a wide variety of subjects and it remind me of my favorite quote from Henry Miller-

“Develop an interest in life as you see it; the people, things, literature, music—the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself.”

Beautiful. So Maybe the whole thing wasn't a total loss.

Thursdays memories

1. Work was breezy and cool

2. Scary stories with my friend Nate.

3.  My friend gave me a mace and a rice steamer.

Day 19 and 4: Happiness/Physical Challenge

Memories from Wednesday:
1. Had a production meeting with my company. And I had a nice moment with one of my closest friends who was sad about missing their significant other. I'm usually not great and comforting people but I nailed being the sympathetic friend here.
2. I got my motherfuckin car back!
3. I took a really nice picture of my dog Sparky.

Today was a great day! I woke up ready to get back to work with a kind of energy I hadn't had in a long time. The whole day was breezy and easy going. The park wasn't crowded at all everything just glided. I was excited to see my best friend Nate who just moved back from Asheville  NC. We caught up, over food drank some beer and so fourth. Its great with really close friends where you can not only talk about anything but you're never really sure where the conversation might go. For us I shared many of my random presidential facts and we got into a discussion about all the ranked lists that categorized the presidents from best to worst and wondered how  Ulysses S Grant managed to smoke 20 cigars a day.

Later on when I was helping him unpack in his apartment we started talking about conspiracy theories, then true crime stories and satanic cults and we were just like two little asshole kids telling ghost stories. We started to scare each other . Thakfully his lady walked in the door like our mom 'what did I tell you boys about telling ghost stories?'

The whole day was like some excerpt from a Hemingway story, like the bit in The Sun Also Rises where Jake and his buddy are hanging out in the forest. This calm little period in an existence that largely feels like a painful shit storm. Well my life isn't that bad...but the only downside in reconnecting with my friends is there's always that feeling I have that I'm just going in circles because I feel like I repeat the same dialogue with my friends about success and self worth and my usual pitfalls. Will I be in the same position this time next year? Only time will tell...

Day 18 and 3: 30 Days of Happiness and Physical Challenges

Wednesday came easy. I had to miss work thanks to this goddawful car situation. So I get the day off. Another day to sit around and recover and be all nurturing to myself. No, I'm not talking about maturating. Most of my best writing happened today and as I mentioned in the past my writing process goes something like this.

1. Wake up in the middle of the night feeling like a failure
2. Sit down to write the next day.
3. Re read what I wrote
4. Cry
5.  Keep writing
6. Cry
7. Realize there's one good bit, 30 pages later.
8. Cry

Roughly

And today actually had slightly less crying than usual. But these passed days I spent in the house somehow didn't result in me turning into a fat pile of cheese of the couch. The superbetter app has me feeling more a alive and more healthy. My mom's actually not crazy about it though, because part of me getting healthy is eating all her bananas and almonds and blueberries. I haven't had any crazy adventures in the last a few days. but that's okay because all I really need is a few days and a few small challenges to remind me that I'm alive and well. My meditations have gotten more focused as its become less an attempt to switch my brain off and more an attempt to just let my thoughts breath.

When I read The Artists Way, one of the most important components is maintaining that creation is the natural order of things and convincing yourself you are on the right track. To me this goes hand in hand wit my mission of synthetic happiness. Where things seem lame but I convince myself that its all right.

Memories: Tuesday
1) I found a lovely Tree in my backyard.
2) I took a nice long walk with Sparky
3)I rewatched a film that I really love in preparation for finishing my script I'm not going to mention the title because I'm doing a whole separate entry on the artistic process.
 

Day 17: 30 Days of Happiness/ Day 2: Physical Challenge

It feels weird actually being back to writing my blog on time. Today was simple, in fact days like this I always find myself asking whether or not I didn't actually just waste the whole day. I had the idea that today wouldn't be too busy. It'd be one where I can just breath and that's what I did. It was a day of simply making sure my nourishment was in order. I drank several glasses of water in accordance with the superbetter app. I ate a ton of food today and feel slightly fat. But I threw in lots of healthy things I normally don't include. I had almonds, blueberries, protein shakes all thing to help me grow big and strong. So aside from being a fatass I picked back up with my meditation and this one certainly made me feel stronger even if it was hard to truly clear my mind. I need to write about my meditations immediately after they are done so I can recount these fuckin things better. Today I spent more time outside with Sparky, just in my back yard but I tried to take notice of things I hadn't. I noticed there was a tree in my yard, well actually closer to woods, but anyway. The tree had all these little red leaves the kind that spin around as they fall....they're real. Shit I should've taken a picture because I sound like I'm on LSD.

So its frustrating how often my attempts to sit down and write are always the hardest part of my day. And today was no exception. Only this time I felt like I knew how to combat it, I lied down a tried to take a nap. I try not to nap for more than 20 minutes. I kicked this single scene around all day and its just now evolving into something special that just might work. I do wish I had the discipline to write on typewriter, so I'm not constantly distracting myself.

Memories: 1) I mentioned that I met with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time and discussed my screenplay that's still in the works. Explaining it to someone always makes me especially excited and revamps my energy. 2) This one is lame but I got to drive my mom's car around and she has satellite radio and I always love the variety of songs I come across.
3) Hmmm I know. I learned tha President Teddy Roosevelt had a total of five Guinea Pigs named Dr. Johnson, Bishop Doane, Fighting Bob Evans, Admiral Dewey, and Father O’Grady. I made it a personal project to draw them all.

Day 16: 30 Days of Happiness/ Physical Challenge Day:1

I'm writing down the positive memories from yesterday before I forget them!
1. I did a photo shoot with my production company and we had a great time. We took lots of silly pictures and I dressed up like a clown.
2. I hung out with some crazy spiritualist guy who let me smoke some of his magical herbs. There was no bite to it. There was lightness unlike anything I'd ever smoked and unlike smoking pot this made me want to run out into the forest and explore.
3. I returned to standup comedy and admittedly my set could've gone better. But the important thing is I socialized with the other comics more than ever. I got some feedback that I was initially unhappy with, but when I was driving home I realized it was apt. And no matter what I happened it felt great to be back in the game.

Today my second challenge kicked in and it couldn't have been more appropriate. Today was one of those days of healing and recuperating. The way the superbetter app is set up is it provides you with little challenges to tackle. Today the app had me give myeslf a hug and tell my body that it's done a good job. I did this right after my workout so it was perfectly appropriate. The other tasks that the app presented to me was to chug a glass of water. I chugged two and being short on breath from my workout, it was even more of a challenge than I imagined. Another one was to walk around the block. Instead I went outside wit my dog Sparky and while I was chasing him I stopped and picked up a yellow flower. I paused and realized that for some reason their were lots and lots of special people in my life. I had that beloved feeling of lightness that accompanies my few perfect meditations. The other challenges included having a meaningful interaction. I did that today when I sat down with a friend I hadn't seen in a while and talked to her about my writing. She picked up on all my excitement I had for my potential screenplay and we had lots of good exchanges and before I left she gave me a book on stand up comedy. And if that wasn't enough I held the door for a nice old man at Taco Bell.

The last challenge of super better for the day was to remind myself that I'm not  a damn plant and that I need daily care and attention. I flossed my teeth, drank more water and spent my time in space. Returning to my room just for the day, didn't make me feel like a troll. It felt like a safe haven after running around the past few days.

I combined my meditation challenge with my power pose/body language challenge. I meditated to Khachaturian's selection from Spartacus. I felt a little narrative unfold as I shut my eyes. My thoughts drifted a lot but I just let them flow and didn't talk over them. I made an extra effort to sit up straight and smile and I had the same sensation that everything will be okay. When I smiled I remembered sitting with my mom, in the parking lot while my sister was at her tap class. My mom told me I was the only one in the family without dimples.

30 Days of Happiness last 3 days

Shut up. So Valentines day has come and gone. And while I'm trying to mostly stay positive on this blog I have to say. When did the single people on Valentine's day become way more annoying on Facebook than the single people. Valentine's day as well as the car situation and admittedly, my own procrastination has slowed this blog. Bu I refuse to give up like I do with...well more things than I'd like to admit. The most quintessential part of this is the memories from the previous days. When I fall behind they get all jumbled. But synthetic happiness, has been a journey and I'm realize I'm only half way through. But what's great about it is you realize how effective it is when you look back on things. I've had fits of anger and bouts of depression throughout this period, I won't lie. I got especially insane when traffic was backed up on the way to work. I swear I would have zero friends if people saw me freakout the way I do when I'm in the car. Anyway, I want to say the happiness is becoming instinctual, but I don't know if I'm quite there yet. I recover from shitty news faster, I generally get along with people more, and I'm becoming way better at making the best of a bad situation.

The thing I'm trying to combat most, is waking up in the middle of the night and feeling like a loser. This happens all the time. I have this weird thing about being 25, like I should be really successful and have tons of money at this point. I think its a film person thing because Orson Welles was 25 when he made Citizen Kane but also Orson Welles's dad was really rich. Point is, what usually happens. And what I mentioned in mt very first blog post, is that I back track and I think "I said this was gonna be my year and haven't done shit". But for the very first time I looked back over the past month and February has been a dramatic improvement. I've talked to old friends, made some new ones, work has been a breeze, I'm in the process of putting NY plans in motion. Lots of shit has happened. Good shit.

Thursday:
1) I tried on a pair of pants at work, by accident that were 14 sizes too big. It was mildly hilarious.
2) I was inexplicably laughing a lot throughout the day. I'm not insane. And my new friend Cristina and I agreed to get drinks after work.
3) After yet another attempt to bring my car home, after it worked earlier that day I couldn't get it to come home. I made it back pissed off, but my parents were actually light hearted about the whole thing. I drank a bloody mary and went to bed.

Friday: Valentines Day
1)  I got a sexy haircut and on top of that my hairdresser kept telling me about how much pot he smoked while he was in Costa Rica.
2) My mom surprised me with my favorite beer (well top five) Old Rasputin. She also included a card. 'Dear Greg, you are a dick, but dicks need love too. I hope you find it.'
3) My and my parents got sushi. Me and my dad had to wait an hour for takeout and stand with a bunch of pissed off people waiting for a table on V-day.

Saturday:
1. I went out for lunch with the family. (I'm really making us sound like a bunch of fat shits)
2. I was super angry about being held up in traffic. I got to work and told one of my coworkers how pissed off I was and she found it hilarious.
3. Me and my friend from work went out for drinks. We shared crazy stories. She told me when she gets angry she'll throw a chair or two.

New Challenge: I'll take the Physical Challenge!

1 I’ll take the physical challenge!

The Talks

Amy Cuddy: Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are: Nonverbal is language. People make sweeping judgments about our body language. Even in this day and age emoticons impact conversations. What we don’t realize is our own nonverbal impact us. Nonverbal expressions can be expressions of power. When we’re powerful we are open. Power is about how we react to stress. The body can shape the mind. There’s a big difference between high power and low power. It only takes two minutes in a power pose to change how you react.

Jane McGonigal: the game that can give you 10 extra years of your life:  Jane is a game designer, her goal is to save the world in real life the same way it is to do so in a video game. She argues that people don’t game enough. In fact she thinks gaming is essential to survival. Sounds great but some notes of this talk she gets a little pissed but mainly because she’s sick of people telling her that she’ll she wish she played less games on her death bed. But she point out that that’s never one of the regrets that people share. She found herself in a situation where she had to rest her brain, and essentially had no reason to live. 

The Challenge:

Sounds pretty simple, the idea is to achieve what Jane calls ‘epic wins’ she discovered that she’d like create post traumatic growth without the trauma. The first part is simple, because Jane actually developed an app that that provides you with little tasks to increase your physical and mental resilience.

Likewise Amy Cuddy’s challenge is also fairly simple, I mean its laid out simply I don’t mean to say it will be easy because who knows this might be the challenge that cripples me.  Simple as both these sound its perfect because our confidence and resistance and other good shit compounds when we’re constantly tackling small tasks will potentially make me awesome.