Today I was thinking about the talk, the vulnerability one. One of the specifics is being able to tell your whole story. And what does that mean exactly? I think it means not shying away from the real you. The real you is something that isn't instantly apparent for most of us and it's something you loose sight of when you become increasingly tolerant of shit that irks you. Typically when someone says 'its okay' its really not. So the first thing you need to do to identify the real you is to pick out all the things that make you say okay when it really isn't.
So what's all this shit mean?
Basically I just got from a trip to NYC. New York is my favorite city and I the past years its where I go to become spiritually rejuvenated. Which is weird because I imagine most people leave New York to become spiritually rejuvenated. Point is I came back feeling a bit weird, I looked forward to the trip for so long I felt sad like I had nothing to look forward to. But that was good because it helped me realize how much my situation needs to change. 1. I need to realize what exactly it is I want to to do 2. There's still a potentially toxic relationship that I need to end. The person I need to forget about was the person I had gone with to NYC two years ago and this time I realized that two whole years had passed. In two years I've had acquaintances get married, have kids and leave relationships that were troublesome (every-time I use the word troublesome I feel like a fuckin grandpa) and I just realized if all that shit could be done in two years time then I can certainly forget about this person. 3. It's not all this person's fault because I have serious relationship problems. What's especially irritating is its a very-
Disclaimer: I Have no intentions of murdering anyone.
Specific issue. I have no problems meeting new people or socializing. I have lots of attractive lady friends and typically with those relationships I become as close as two people can become without being intimate and I just can't take that extra leap. What I told my friend was " I just don't know about romance and making sparks and I always end up confused." So just to be clear I'm not one of those friendzone clowns. Because I know that I'm the problem. I'm too calculated, and in my head to find myself in the spontaneous place where love blossoms. In fact what I realized is that all the relationships or flings that I had they occurred during really lighthearted periods. Now on the other hand all the shitty moments of insecurity and unrequited romances happened after any light hardheartedness had passed. It's like as soon as I put my feelings out there in the universe or really committed to wanting to actually date someone I was struck down, in some Biblical fashion. Only instead of turning into a pillar of salt, I would just be sentenced to listening to sad love songs and masturbating by myself.
Now there's one more con to this challenge. And that is that there are not really any solutions. At least not for a while. This challenge is about self awareness and that's a long annoying process but its one that I'm saddling up for. Till next time.
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