30 Days of Getting My Ass Kicked and so it goes.

Am I doing this write? I don't think so. Telling myself is getting harder and harder as I get closer to 26 and in turn closer to 30 and the gaps in everything I always imagined for myself grow wider and wider. Some days I'm so in my head that when I re focus I think that I'm lucky I wasn't driving because I could have driven head on into a barrier.

What happened? I worked a lot and I've come to the conclusion that I hate my job but maybe that's all my fault I mean I've put myself in this position for a year and maybe I'm really encouraging this shitty situation maybe its my fault. I think about before my friend went away she told me I'd be a famous director when she got back and I don't think I could be further off.

At work I try to have meaningful conversations with guests and this is usually to no avail. I try to recount positive memories from the day and while there's never anything that stands out. But maybe this is an area where its okay to be vulnerable, maybe I need to tell the story about how I'm not okay with this situation and that its really something that gets me down. You know what else has me feeling like I'm not enough is that I have multiple superiors who are younger than me. Its not only that I work where I do, it's that I'm in the most inconsequential position. This is what I have to tell me people when they ask about my career. I guess I'm vulnerable now but this all fucking really frustrating and honestly I don't feel better discussing it.

All I need right now is the sense of love and belonging. Now what does everyone tell me. That this is just a necessary step and that I'm still so young. And I can't argue, they are right. I just don't have the courage to be imperfect. Here's one more thing before I go. Me and my friend, the one I keep bringing up. The friendship reached its end. It didn't work. I can't help but feeling like I failed. And it happens, people come and go and its normal. I didn't fail I'm just imperfect but I can't except that right now. I feel vulnerable I feel all kinds of shame, but I'm still not at the point where telling mys story turns into any kind of connection. Oh my god this is gonna suck.