Day 3: 30 Days of Happiness

I've already wondered whether or not this is all a big waste of time. But little subtle things have happened in the past three days that have convinced me that this insane challenge is worth seeing through to the end. First of all, my relationship with my parents has already improved and at the very least they recognize my attempts at becoming a sane person. I had a crazy sobering morning.Things started off very stupidly as I got up for work. I had a headache in the back of my head, it was confined to one spot and I wasn't use to that so I was convinced it was cancer or something. I normally wouldn't classify myself as any kind of hypochondriac but I  have spurts of this behavior. One time I had really bad heart burn after eating a loaded potato and started thinking about whether there was life after and death and more importantly how I could die without ever apologizing to my sister for breaking the leg off of her 'my sized Barbie' doll (still haven't done that). Point being I spent the whole morning imagining what would happen if died, and I'm not trying to be morbid I was thinking very practically.....I think. But its cool, I think you need to think about that every so often because whenever I think about death there's also this concern that I might pass on without embarked on certain adventures.  

Point of this whole dilemma is that somewhere in the middle of it all I called my dad. I told him my concerns and told him I needed to go to the doctor and he was cool about it even with me occasionally referring to my head ache as 'the cancer'. He calmly told me that I had been a little out of sorts since I returned from my trip (he's right). His diagnosis was that I simply had too much on my mind (probably correct and as it happens headaches in the back of the head are associated more with stress and less with Cancer). He knows I have big ambitions but he also (to my surprise) knew that lately my ambitions were doing more harm than good. I spend more time thinking if I hadn't accomplished 'so and so' by now then its probably too late. After that conversation, after focusing on my job I almost didn't realize the headache had completely dissipated. My dad knows me and in that moment I think I could've freaked out at him because the old Greg would've been outraged at my his dad reducing his potential tumor to a bunch of white people problems, but not this Greg. I know it might be iffy to bring up Woody Allen but I couldn't stop thinking about his character in Hannah and Her Sisters.

Anyway on to the fun part.

Three positive experiences from yesterday: 1) I already mentioned my experience listening to Stevie Wonder. Hearing Innervisions sitting on my floor was transcendent. But I also listened to Robert Johnson's complete recordings which was equally pivotal. The important part was I didn't appreciate it when I had it playing as background and that brought to the conclusion that you can't really experience Rock n' Roll or in this case (or especially) the blues from behind a computer, it just doesn't work that way. 2) I didn't watch the super bowl because I spent much of it entertaining a 5 yr old named Zooey with her blocks. She assigned me to build, a stingray, a bird and a flying turtle...I complied and everyone thought it was a space ship and jet-ski that, for me, that was close enough. 3) After a day of kicking myself for not coming up with anything that excites me, right before going to bed  things came into perspective. I hate when this happens always as I'm least prepared. My all time favorite TED talk address this, when sometimes you simply have to reach out and tell the higher powers "Really?! we have to do this now?! I'm about to go to bed".

Exercise: I had a specific motivation today. I had to work off the Nachos I ate from Denny', yeah that I happened and it was delicious while simultaneously making me feel like a piece of shit. So I saw my workout as a challenge.
  
Meditation: Music while meditating is pretty hit or miss for me but selecting Miles Davis' 'Sanctuary' off of Bitches Brew was perfect. While I'm still working on totally stepping back during my meditations. I came close to something that happened when I first started meditating. When you try to track your thought process it becomes really simple to delete the shit that troubles you, when everything is sorted out there's a good pile and a bad pile and you can take one of things they use to shove poker chips away (I don't know what the fuck they're called) and push it away. That didn't quite happen today but what did happen is as listened to all the zany departures throughout the song it was easy to let randomness of the arrangement carry me away from all the shit troubling me. Magic exists.

         
Random act of kindness: Another of my high school friends found their way into my activity. My friend Ellen and I had a crazy relationship being the best of friends and sometimes enemies. We always somehow manage to reconnect whenever I have a problem. When I was in DC I got a little drunk (shit, maybe I should quit drinking) at a small local bar and in the midst of my stupor I gave her a call and shared all my troubles. I thanked her for being a constant in my life today and she responded that she agrees this is a difficult time in life and that she's always in my corner.