So now its Friday and this whole day is a big misfired artist date. I need to get more creative because my last several involved me going to the mall. The satire in Dawn of The Dead finally made sense when I consider how many times I've found myself with nothing to do and opted to go to the mall. Now sometimes if I set out to go on an artist and if I find the whole thing uninspired I don't count it for my artist date. My plan was for my date to go out and compliment 5 strangers and I have to be honest that I completely pussied out on this one. First is nobody really seemed happy or open to any conversation at Barnes and Noble and second, I and I hope this doesn't make me sound like a dick but I didn't see anyone I wanted to compliment. I mean if I stared at anyone long enough I would've been able to pick something out but then you run the risk of looking fucking insane. So I'll put that artist date away for another day.
The positive part of the day was deciding what book to buy. I had several gift cards with me and I realized I hadn't grown up at all because just like when I was a kid in the toy store I couldn't decide what to get. I read lots of poems that day and that was the high point in fact I read lots of random ass books. A poem that especially stood out was Whitman's 'Crossing Brooklyn Ferry'
I also read joke books, books about random facts, and books about samurai. Someone should really create a blog based around reading as many bargain books as they can and documenting what they learn. Point is, when I was going through all the books on a wide variety of subjects and it remind me of my favorite quote from Henry Miller-
“Develop
an interest in life as you see it; the people, things, literature,
music—the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures,
beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself.”
Beautiful. So Maybe the whole thing wasn't a total loss.
Memories from Wednesday:
1. Had a production meeting with my company. And I had a nice moment with one of my closest friends who was sad about missing their significant other. I'm usually not great and comforting people but I nailed being the sympathetic friend here.
2. I got my motherfuckin car back!
3. I took a really nice picture of my dog Sparky.
Today was a great day! I woke up ready to get back to work with a kind of energy I hadn't had in a long time. The whole day was breezy and easy going. The park wasn't crowded at all everything just glided. I was excited to see my best friend Nate who just moved back from Asheville NC. We caught up, over food drank some beer and so fourth. Its great with really close friends where you can not only talk about anything but you're never really sure where the conversation might go. For us I shared many of my random presidential facts and we got into a discussion about all the ranked lists that categorized the presidents from best to worst and wondered how Ulysses S Grant managed to smoke 20 cigars a day.
Later on when I was helping him unpack in his apartment we started talking about conspiracy theories, then true crime stories and satanic cults and we were just like two little asshole kids telling ghost stories. We started to scare each other . Thakfully his lady walked in the door like our mom 'what did I tell you boys about telling ghost stories?'
The whole day was like some excerpt from a Hemingway story, like the bit in The Sun Also Rises where Jake and his buddy are hanging out in the forest. This calm little period in an existence that largely feels like a painful shit storm. Well my life isn't that bad...but the only downside in reconnecting with my friends is there's always that feeling I have that I'm just going in circles because I feel like I repeat the same dialogue with my friends about success and self worth and my usual pitfalls. Will I be in the same position this time next year? Only time will tell...
Wednesday came easy. I had to miss work thanks to this goddawful car situation. So I get the day off. Another day to sit around and recover and be all nurturing to myself. No, I'm not talking about maturating. Most of my best writing happened today and as I mentioned in the past my writing process goes something like this.
1. Wake up in the middle of the night feeling like a failure
2. Sit down to write the next day.
3. Re read what I wrote
4. Cry
5. Keep writing
6. Cry
7. Realize there's one good bit, 30 pages later.
8. Cry
Roughly
And today actually had slightly less crying than usual. But these passed days I spent in the house somehow didn't result in me turning into a fat pile of cheese of the couch. The superbetter app has me feeling more a alive and more healthy. My mom's actually not crazy about it though, because part of me getting healthy is eating all her bananas and almonds and blueberries. I haven't had any crazy adventures in the last a few days. but that's okay because all I really need is a few days and a few small challenges to remind me that I'm alive and well. My meditations have gotten more focused as its become less an attempt to switch my brain off and more an attempt to just let my thoughts breath.
When I read The Artists Way, one of the most important components is maintaining that creation is the natural order of things and convincing yourself you are on the right track. To me this goes hand in hand wit my mission of synthetic happiness. Where things seem lame but I convince myself that its all right.
Memories: Tuesday
1) I found a lovely Tree in my backyard.
2) I took a nice long walk with Sparky
3)I rewatched a film that I really love in preparation for finishing my script I'm not going to mention the title because I'm doing a whole separate entry on the artistic process.
It feels weird actually being back to writing my blog on time. Today was simple, in fact days like this I always find myself asking whether or not I didn't actually just waste the whole day. I had the idea that today wouldn't be too busy. It'd be one where I can just breath and that's what I did. It was a day of simply making sure my nourishment was in order. I drank several glasses of water in accordance with the superbetter app. I ate a ton of food today and feel slightly fat. But I threw in lots of healthy things I normally don't include. I had almonds, blueberries, protein shakes all thing to help me grow big and strong. So aside from being a fatass I picked back up with my meditation and this one certainly made me feel stronger even if it was hard to truly clear my mind. I need to write about my meditations immediately after they are done so I can recount these fuckin things better. Today I spent more time outside with Sparky, just in my back yard but I tried to take notice of things I hadn't. I noticed there was a tree in my yard, well actually closer to woods, but anyway. The tree had all these little red leaves the kind that spin around as they fall....they're real. Shit I should've taken a picture because I sound like I'm on LSD.
So its frustrating how often my attempts to sit down and write are always the hardest part of my day. And today was no exception. Only this time I felt like I knew how to combat it, I lied down a tried to take a nap. I try not to nap for more than 20 minutes. I kicked this single scene around all day and its just now evolving into something special that just might work. I do wish I had the discipline to write on typewriter, so I'm not constantly distracting myself.
Memories: 1) I mentioned that I met with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time and discussed my screenplay that's still in the works. Explaining it to someone always makes me especially excited and revamps my energy. 2) This one is lame but I got to drive my mom's car around and she has satellite radio and I always love the variety of songs I come across.
3) Hmmm I know. I learned tha President Teddy Roosevelt had a total of five Guinea Pigs named Dr. Johnson, Bishop Doane, Fighting Bob Evans, Admiral Dewey, and Father O’Grady. I made it a personal project to draw them all.
I'm writing down the positive memories from yesterday before I forget them!
1. I did a photo shoot with my production company and we had a great time. We took lots of silly pictures and I dressed up like a clown.
2. I hung out with some crazy spiritualist guy who let me smoke some of his magical herbs. There was no bite to it. There was lightness unlike anything I'd ever smoked and unlike smoking pot this made me want to run out into the forest and explore.
3. I returned to standup comedy and admittedly my set could've gone better. But the important thing is I socialized with the other comics more than ever. I got some feedback that I was initially unhappy with, but when I was driving home I realized it was apt. And no matter what I happened it felt great to be back in the game.
Today my second challenge kicked in and it couldn't have been more appropriate. Today was one of those days of healing and recuperating. The way the superbetter app is set up is it provides you with little challenges to tackle. Today the app had me give myeslf a hug and tell my body that it's done a good job. I did this right after my workout so it was perfectly appropriate. The other tasks that the app presented to me was to chug a glass of water. I chugged two and being short on breath from my workout, it was even more of a challenge than I imagined. Another one was to walk around the block. Instead I went outside wit my dog Sparky and while I was chasing him I stopped and picked up a yellow flower. I paused and realized that for some reason their were lots and lots of special people in my life. I had that beloved feeling of lightness that accompanies my few perfect meditations. The other challenges included having a meaningful interaction. I did that today when I sat down with a friend I hadn't seen in a while and talked to her about my writing. She picked up on all my excitement I had for my potential screenplay and we had lots of good exchanges and before I left she gave me a book on stand up comedy. And if that wasn't enough I held the door for a nice old man at Taco Bell.
The last challenge of super better for the day was to remind myself that I'm not a damn plant and that I need daily care and attention. I flossed my teeth, drank more water and spent my time in space. Returning to my room just for the day, didn't make me feel like a troll. It felt like a safe haven after running around the past few days.
I combined my meditation challenge with my power pose/body language challenge. I meditated to Khachaturian's selection from Spartacus. I felt a little narrative unfold as I shut my eyes. My thoughts drifted a lot but I just let them flow and didn't talk over them. I made an extra effort to sit up straight and smile and I had the same sensation that everything will be okay. When I smiled I remembered sitting with my mom, in the parking lot while my sister was at her tap class. My mom told me I was the only one in the family without dimples.
Shut up. So Valentines day has come and gone. And while I'm trying to mostly stay positive on this blog I have to say. When did the single people on Valentine's day become way more annoying on Facebook than the single people. Valentine's day as well as the car situation and admittedly, my own procrastination has slowed this blog. Bu I refuse to give up like I do with...well more things than I'd like to admit. The most quintessential part of this is the memories from the previous days. When I fall behind they get all jumbled. But synthetic happiness, has been a journey and I'm realize I'm only half way through. But what's great about it is you realize how effective it is when you look back on things. I've had fits of anger and bouts of depression throughout this period, I won't lie. I got especially insane when traffic was backed up on the way to work. I swear I would have zero friends if people saw me freakout the way I do when I'm in the car. Anyway, I want to say the happiness is becoming instinctual, but I don't know if I'm quite there yet. I recover from shitty news faster, I generally get along with people more, and I'm becoming way better at making the best of a bad situation.
The thing I'm trying to combat most, is waking up in the middle of the night and feeling like a loser. This happens all the time. I have this weird thing about being 25, like I should be really successful and have tons of money at this point. I think its a film person thing because Orson Welles was 25 when he made Citizen Kane but also Orson Welles's dad was really rich. Point is, what usually happens. And what I mentioned in mt very first blog post, is that I back track and I think "I said this was gonna be my year and haven't done shit". But for the very first time I looked back over the past month and February has been a dramatic improvement. I've talked to old friends, made some new ones, work has been a breeze, I'm in the process of putting NY plans in motion. Lots of shit has happened. Good shit.
Thursday:
1) I tried on a pair of pants at work, by accident that were 14 sizes too big. It was mildly hilarious.
2) I was inexplicably laughing a lot throughout the day. I'm not insane. And my new friend Cristina and I agreed to get drinks after work.
3) After yet another attempt to bring my car home, after it worked earlier that day I couldn't get it to come home. I made it back pissed off, but my parents were actually light hearted about the whole thing. I drank a bloody mary and went to bed.
Friday: Valentines Day
1) I got a sexy haircut and on top of that my hairdresser kept telling me about how much pot he smoked while he was in Costa Rica.
2) My mom surprised me with my favorite beer (well top five) Old Rasputin. She also included a card. 'Dear Greg, you are a dick, but dicks need love too. I hope you find it.'
3) My and my parents got sushi. Me and my dad had to wait an hour for takeout and stand with a bunch of pissed off people waiting for a table on V-day.
Saturday:
1. I went out for lunch with the family. (I'm really making us sound like a bunch of fat shits)
2. I was super angry about being held up in traffic. I got to work and told one of my coworkers how pissed off I was and she found it hilarious.
3. Me and my friend from work went out for drinks. We shared crazy stories. She told me when she gets angry she'll throw a chair or two.
Amy Cuddy:
Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are: Nonverbal is language. People make
sweeping judgments about our body language. Even in this day and age emoticons
impact conversations. What we don’t realize is our own nonverbal impact us.
Nonverbal expressions can be expressions of power. When we’re powerful we are
open. Power is about how we react to stress. The body can shape the mind.
There’s a big difference between high power and low power. It only takes two
minutes in a power pose to change how you react.
Jane McGonigal: the
game that can give you 10 extra years of your life: Jane is a game designer, her goal is to
save the world in real life the same way it is to do so in a video game. She
argues that people don’t game enough. In fact she thinks gaming is essential to
survival. Sounds great but some notes of this talk she gets a little pissed but
mainly because she’s sick of people telling her that she’ll she wish she played
less games on her death bed. But she point out that that’s never one of the
regrets that people share. She found herself in a situation where she had to
rest her brain, and essentially had no reason to live.
The Challenge:
Sounds pretty simple, the idea is to achieve what Jane calls
‘epic wins’ she discovered that she’d like create post traumatic growth without
the trauma. The first part is simple, because Jane actually developed an app
that that provides you with little tasks to increase your physical and mental
resilience.
Likewise Amy Cuddy’s challenge is also fairly simple, I mean
its laid out simply I don’t mean to say it will be easy because who knows this
might be the challenge that cripples me.Simple as both these sound its perfect because our confidence and
resistance and other good shit compounds when we’re constantly tackling small
tasks will potentially make me awesome.
Okay. I' sorry people and this is the last time I'll ever do this. I think I need to rewatch Gilbert's talk because in the pas several days the idea that happiness is a choice has been more evident than ever. Tuesday was an exciting day of new beginnings. First I was catching up with my acting coach, I started seeing him when I did theater in high school. Looking back on it he was one of the few people to really pursue me to go after comedy. This was a guy who had been on Broadway, taught plenty of talented kids, and me and him would have a great time just sitting around gossiping making jokes. It was great practice, the first time I went back to work with him on comedy I remember there was a moment where I wiped my forehead and my hand was covered with sweat. Comedy is hard work. Later that night the production company had its initiation for new members and that was a trip. We incorporated, black lights and paint and the works. That was Tuesday, I probably drank too much that evening as was evident the next day.
I had probably my all time greatest day at work despite fighting mild hangover. I go into a mode sometimes where I'm completely unhinged where, depending on the crowd I either win everyone over or make and ass outta myself. In this case everyone remarked how much more fun I was when I didn't give any shits. The hangover wore off and the whole period ended up feeling like a day of renewal, complete with a giant thunderstorm that I like to think metaphorically washed me clean. The downside to this whole affair was that my car wouldn't start, my dad had to come pick me up like some little girl stood up at the prom.
Now we're on Thursday. My car was left at the parking garage over night. I had to get to work early to ensure that it wouldn't be towed. The plan was to take my dad's car, and refuel mine. We assumed that was the problem. So I'm driving with gallons of gasoline in my dad's tank and the whole thing feels like The Road Warrior. My car had not problem starting up in morning, I thought my problems were solved. But come that evening of course the car doesn't start and I'm back to square one. I drive home my dad's car still smelling like gasoline. These moments are good though because they remind me that happiness can really be a daunting task. But once I was home the night was easy to salvage with a Bloody Mary and a good night's rest.
So here's the positive memories
Monday: 1. At the dollar store I purchased a bunch capsules that turn into farm animals when immersed in water. Of course I even manages to mess that up not realizing the water has to be warm. My parents put them in warm water and some dollar store crap became a family activity.
2. At the fish store I found a surprisingly cheap fish tank, would I be so ballsy? We'll see.
3. I'm trying to make sure my day's highlights don't include alcohol. So in edition to my travels to fish and dollar stores, I think simply driving around. Just clearing my head was the best part.
Tuesday: 1. I talked with my acting coach, but not only about theater shit but about life. He was talking about how he felt with getting older and I told him about all my anxieties being 25.
2. I had a long talk with one of my best/oldest friends from highschool. She's the one who's always full of encouraging words and always assuring me that everything will be okay.
3. We initiated new members into our company and covered each other in paint and had lots of laughs.
Wednesday
1. I have a coworker named, Moriah. We rarely ever talk but on Wednesday I about made her pee herself with laughter because I was acting insane.
2. I tried on the wrong sized pants. They were 44s that's 14 sizes too big. It was hilarious.
3. Every so often I put TCM on in the break room. It's always a pleasure when my coworkers get caught up watching the film, on Wednesday it was Douglas Sirk's Imitation of Life.
I'm up to date and I've got my shit together! I needed to get out of the house today. It was just one of those days when I was in one of my moods. All my issues with writing were piling up and I needed to tell my computer screen to go fuck itself for a while. I wasn't sure what to do, Barnes and Noble is always my default and that's getting corny. I actually drove aimlessly for while around my town. Its actually a pretty small town and I was in the tiny historic district just cruising around listening to Jazz. I never realized how Americana-ish this little community was. So I wanted to make the day into an artist date, but when I consulted the book of artist dates the challenge I was faced with was to find a pretty rock. And surprisingly enough finding a pretty rock was exceedingly difficult. So I decided to put searching for a rock on hold for another day. I went out to the tropical fish store since that's what Id been putting off. The guy at the fish store was incredibly friendly and kept telling me even if I just came to browse I'd been leaving with a fish. He said he feels like a crack dealer sometimes with how excited some people actually get over fish. Looking at all the fish brought back memories...not of me actually owning fish...just looking at fish. So I guess I used to really like fish and now...I like them again. I don't know where this is going.
Anyway fuck those fish. The only thing I had to do to get out of a funk was simple. I drove around, went into some random ass fish store and listened to some different music. If you're in a pissy mood its not hard to change up your circumstances just to shake things up. I recommend listening to Jazz.
Tasks
Workout: My workouts back at the gym are something I value even more after doing the daily workout. Even if my trainer was trying to tell me how he didn't like the Beatles and gave me shit for not liking Keith Urban.
Meditation: I like to start thinking of mediation as trying to find the same amount of rest you would while taking a cat nap only doing it while wide awake. That was today's experience. I had the usual struggles but there was a level of relaxation I wasn't used to.
Three Memories from yesterday: 1) My experience working on the lighting for the film, minor as it was, reminded me of how many details need to be taken into account when making a film and these aren't hindrances, they're opportunities. There's so many options when it comes to being artistic. 2) I learned that one of my friends I made from work was looking forward to seeing me do stand up comedy. I know its not much but finally doing what I've always wanted hasn't been easy. People taking even the slightest interest is always nice. 3) Okay fine, I ate a bunch of Pizza Huts thin crusted Pizza...its shitty but delicious and I felt guilty
Okay I promise that after today, I am back on the wagon! My tasks today were put off after a long, long day of shooting. The film was mostly just interiors today, but without our usual lighting guy there we had to figure a lot out on our own. Lighting was one of the most intimidating parts of filmmaking for me, and you don't have to be a guy who makes films on a regular basis to realize that. You spend one day on almost any set, and you'll see what a task it can be just to simulate natural lighting. I was up early and there almost all day, needles to say my energy dwindling pretty rapidly. But I had enough nerdy conversations with my friend Brendan and enough pizza to keep me going throughout the day.
The real events of the day transpired after I got home, I had three opportunities to go hang out with people and didn't pursue any of them. I wanted to have a quiet night working at my desk. Instead I had yet another very frustrating experience writing my screenplay and here is where the challenge of getting happy really kicked off. The script is way, way too long for how far along I am and I had to just keep taking dead breaths and telling myself it was all a process. It was especially annoying because earlier in the day my friend asked me if I was almost done and for the first time I confidently said yes. Now this....
Anyway here's the bits I did complete.
Random acts of kindness: One of our dearest family friends lost her husband a while back. He was one of the most fun guys you'll ever meet and his motto was apparently "sometimes you have to roll the dice". After he passed away, she 'd given me a pair of metal dice to remind me to always roll the dice. For her birthday I came across the Buckowski poem "Roll The Dice" and posted it on her wall. The narrator is a little creepy but its a beautiful poem.
Memories from yesterday: 1) I already mentioned that yesterday I actually got to film portions of the movie. It's great because even if you're not behind a camera often if you're an avid film watcher you're instincts kick in as soon as you're behind a camera. 2) When I was home that night I continued to work, on my script. It was pretty shitty, but I remember what's always the process, I churn out piles and piles of shit and then somewhere in there there's a decent bit. 3) I went out for drinks with my sister and her friends, I drank all my favorite beers and actually some good talks about politics....and drugs.
Okay I screwed up not performing all my tasks today. It wasn't completely in vain I got to work on my friend's film. Working on student films at this point in my career has always been pretty hit or miss, but today was a good one. I was actually given plenty to do, I even got to film small segments. Whenever I'm working on a film I feel like a spend a large amount of time selfishly thinking about my own projects. The paradox is I always walk away with a more valuable experience if I actually devote my energy to said film, because working hands on and not with my head in the clouds I learn that film is something attainable. And this is even if I'm doing something as simple as setting up some lights or giving input on a shot. Something I was also thinking about was that is actually well timed to find myself working on a film. What I always think on the set of a small film, is when I look at all the people helping out and I think its awesome that the director has this many people behind him. That or he did a lot of sexual favors...For so long I think I was worried that I didn't have those same amount of resources, but in the past week its become more and more apparent that people want me to succeed. I just hope I can remember that.
Three positive memories from yesterday. 1. While playing pool downtown with my friend, she is someone friends with almost every bartender we come across and the bartender prepared us some shot that was extra spicy. Which I how I prefer my drinks. I have no idea what was in it but maybe its better that way. 2. Me and two other friends, while on the way to a show, had lots of laughs. The best however was when we stopped at Publix and I jumped on one of the motorized scooters and rode it around the parking lot. 3. We brought my buddy Mike a balloon instead of a flower to celebrate his performance, of course he lost it as soon as we gave it to him.
Today was productive and social but I also worry if it made me lose track of my little routine. I was able to adapt and get happy in any situation I was in, whether I was trying to work at my desk or drinking downtown or watching a play. But I can't forget about my daily tasks especially keeping track of my three previous memories from each day. But on the plus side I need to point out how wonderful today was in realizing how many people are excited to work with me and in general how many people I have on my side. I mentioned in my very first intro post that film is my passion but something I haven't pursued as diligently as I should. I put a message out there to my production company that I'm ready to make films and everyone jumped on board. I'm not saying put all your most personal ideas out there all at once but let yourself and your dreams be seen and sometimes you'll be surprised who jumps on board. I went to go see two of my best friends in a play and that was weird because while they were both awesome I always have a hard time watching live theater because I get jealous of the performers and I want to be the one on stage. Its really a pretty stupid insecurity. But I'll get over that.
I had some drinks later that night with my best friend Mike. Me and him riff on everything and are constantly coming up with ridiculous shit that we intend to film and never do. The downside is me and Mike have a lot of the same anxieties, where we have this mentality that we HAVE to be successful by a specific date or we'll be counted out. Its almost like we enable each other with all our worries about getting shit done. But tonight I tried sharing some of my new-found inner peace and I think the two of us walked away more optimistic than usual.
Exercise: My pushups and crunches were executed to The Wolf of Wall Street soundtrack. Its really a crazy and eclectic selection of music. Its not uncommon for me to take time to process a film, but I've rarely had an entire soundtrack on my mind this long.
Meditation: I think not using the music is the way to go (though that will probably change tomorrow) I've gotten in this bad habit of opening my eyes and dropping the meditation in spurts as soon as I get distracted I need to work on that.
Random act of Kindness: I went to see my friend's play and despite my previously mentioned insecurities I was so happy to see my friend do what he does best.
3 memories: 1) I saw a film called Inside Llewellyn Davis, the new Coen Brothers film. 2) When I was at the children's book store I read a book that re assured the reader that they were special and they were loved. And that the polar bears danced all night the day they were born. 3) I drank golden monkey, one of the greatest beers that will knock you on your ass.
So I wasn't at work today! I'm sure that makes you guys excited. But on the flipside the days where I have nothing to do and want to go out and grab the world by the balls are paradoxically the days I'm least productive. Sometimes it takes me a long time to put on pants. Today was different though because I wasn't working out on my own. My trainer got back from his ski trip so I went back to the gym today! We swapped stories about our trips I told him how cool it was that in bars up north the bartenders are always ready to buy you drinks. This got him on a tangent about all kinds of shit, talking about how when he was younger a bouncer threw a brick at him after he tried to dance at a bar. Working out at the gym is great you always get a nice dose of lief experience and people skills.
The day was otherwise successful. I still needed to do my artist date and on more than one occasion, I've headed to the mall for my date. I went there today and was rather disappointed that I was so uncreative. I headed right for Barnes & Noble but this time I did something different. I went right to the children's section. That's actually not that weird since the store removed most of their chairs as it discourage people from buying books when they can read comfortably in the store. The kid's section is one of the only areas with seating, so you'll see plenty of adults trying to read sitting at child sized tables. Anyway, what's important is the happiness mechanism kicked in right away as I started cycling through all the children's books on display for Valentine's day. I couldn't believe how endearing some of the books were. There was one called 'The Love Monster' about this little creature who live in a land of cute and cuddly things and didn't quite fit in. He looks all over and just when he wants to give up looking, he meets a female monster driving a bus. The morale is just when you stop looking love will find you.
Meditation: I went without music today, and that's always more of a challenge but all the moments where I can really step back have a tremendous lightness. When you start to feel the contrast between your mind working and your mind resting. Than you know you're doing something right.
Act of Kindness: I friend requested one of my high school teachers. Which I'd always been hesitant about since I'm always posting such stupid shit. Point is after I friend requested her, I found out it just happened to be her birthday (that's like three birthdays in a row) I wrote her an affectionate post telling her she was one of the most inspiring teachers I've ever had.
Highlights: 1) Oddly enough this exercise has made me tougher just like Gilbert talks about. I received bad news but I no longer go into a death spiral and let it fuck up my whole day. I'm more resilient to sadness and I think that's an accomplishment. 2) I ate Tacos with the family. I know this shit sounds corny but in this exercise I realize how many of my positive memories my family is responsible for on a day by day basis. Of course I could list the negatives...nah I wont do that.. 3) I had a meeting with my new supervisor and we talked about my attendance points, I can sometimes be a real dick with authority but that didn't happen. The printer wasn't working and we kept sharing stories about how it was just one of those days and talking about technology being shitty. I forged a new friendship just by being goofy and joking about a printer.
I need to shake things up, healing is great and all but I'm you are all sick of me blogging about my job. Luckily was my last day for a while. What I am happy to report is my work has actually gotten better and almost without realizing it. There's a section in my rotation called 'grouper' where you separate all the parties into groups that can ride. I fuck this part up fairly often. But lately none of that's happened, everything has gone smoothly. That's right, I'm good at my job that requires a high school level education bitches! But I actually told some of my fellow co workers that shit is kinda boring when everything goes smoothly. But its cool because I'm realizing a lot of the stuff covered in Shawn's talk. Where he mentions that happiness should be the goal before any other goal. In taking on this challenge I have to admit I put most of my personal projects on hold, at first I was worried that this TED stuff was actually hindering my ambitions but now I feel more equipped. What I've also experienced is a new kind of resilience. I got some bad news at work about how I didn't have enough attendance points to transfer to a new department. It was frustrating and it probably means I'm just going to put in my two weeks. But ordinarily this bad news would've wrecked my whole day, I used to hold on to grudges and negative feelings for a long ass time. I used to talk to my therapist (who I started to see after I tried to kill myself when I couldn't finish my french homework) about that issue and my therapist would say "why can't you just say to yourself 'well that happened let's move on' ?" and I that was always my intent but lately I've been able to do that.
Exercise: I love coupling my workouts with my meditation. I always look forward to my meditation as cool off period and that's made the whole workout process moved really quickly. I'm great at doing crunches and I should be to counteract all the beer I drink.
Meditation: I listened to classical music this time. If you want and understanding of how long a span of ten minutes is, then just listen to Symphony No. 5 and close your eyes and don't do anything else. I didn't tune out as completely as I would've liked to (that seems to be an ongoing problem) but my mind certainly didn't wander too much.
Random acts of kindness: One of the most pivotal people in my life, sometimes by best friend and sometimes my worst enemy had her birthday today. I called her at midnight and told her I hoped all her dreams would come true this year. Jesus. That sounds insane. But it was very heartfelt.
Memories from yesterday: 1) I got several members of my extended family into the theme park for free. I hadn't seen them in 20 years (never thought I'd say that) but they were super grateful. 2) At the meeting with my friends we got to play around with what was basically a giant glow stick and we got look at it through a pair of glasses that made every source of light look like a heart. It was all very trippy. 3) The real highlight was me not being a piece of shit employee and actually doing my job well.
So today was renewal. Things are going to get corny in this post. It was hot today, not especially but after all these wintery shenanigans it took me off guard for sure. Initially I was slowed down by the heat like some senior citizen who's retired to Miami. As the day went on and a breeze picked up it actually became a nice afternoon, I looked around at shadows getting longer and in accordance with the challenge I told myself that all was well (I warned you). I realized that the re wiring of my brain was taking affect for real as I was driving to work and every single stupid pop song I heard sounded meaningful and life affirming. I switched to The Beastie Boys and that was equally inspiring. I won't necessarily say I was happy, I think their should be a middle ground. Where you're not necessarily ecstatic but you're not doing badly and physically nothing is trying to kill you (no panthers at my job). Yeah there's circumstances in my life that could be better but for right now...you know where I'm going with this. A lot of the time my mind wanders while I'm at work, I want to remedy that completely but I can at least say it migrates to negative shit a lot less. I have really awful habit of letting really random shit bother me, like people posting pictures of their grilled cheese on facebook. Crazy shit would frustrate me and would bring up randomly depressing things. I had sick thoughts...
So after work I had to go to a meeting with my production company (I'll name them eventually but I want to make sure first). I had a long talk with my friend Alex about depression and not feeling good enough and all that jazz. I realized how long my actions and outlook has been predominately negative and honestly began to feel like I'd been sick for a long time. The most important thing we talked about was fear of failure. I restarted The Artist's Way three times now and there's a part in chapter 1 that talks about if you want to be an artist you have to be willing to be a bad artist. That part finally has taken to me, I need to go make movies. I don't why film more than all these other art forms has this unattainable connotation when any idiot can do it. Anyway, I didn't feel like I was behaving differently, but everyone would remark about how I was in a good mood which was news to me. I spent most of the meeting being silly but it was rewarding that people had noticed a difference.
Tasks:
Workout: It was good getting shit done early in the morning when I got up. The whole workouts go quicker now and maybe I'll start doing more reps.
Meditation: This was going well until my dad interrupted my task. I was working on telling myself to be quiet for most of it and focusing on the colors I saw when I closed my eyes. But my phone kept ringing with reminders to walk the dog.
Acts of kindness: I made a new best friend from the UK over the Summer from at work. She's back in England and today was her birthday so I wished her a wonderful birthday and told her I was excited to see her again and learn about everything she accomplished when we meet again. She mentioned that all my most heartfelt writings when all occur after I've been drinking but I just reminded her that a drunk mind speaks a sober heart to which she responded: 'Touche'.
Best parts of yesterday: 1) I apologize that many of my highlights include antidotes from work that make me laugh irrationally. This time it was girl who went back and forth between discussing her relationship problems and her outrage at a squirrel that decide to make its home in the ride. 2) I had quality time with my sister Stephanie, I even had her proofread my previous blog entry. She thought it was weird, which I was okay with. 3) I went to sleep reviewing my old Simpsons DVDs and came across a joke I'd almost forgot about where Homer imagines winning the lottery and covers himself in gold. If you saw it you'd understand.
I've already wondered whether or not this is all a big waste of time. But little subtle things have happened in the past three days that have convinced me that this insane challenge is worth seeing through to the end. First of all, my relationship with my parents has already improved and at the very least they recognize my attempts at becoming a sane person. I had a crazy sobering morning.Things started off very stupidly as I got up for work. I had a headache in the back of my head, it was confined to one spot and I wasn't use to that so I was convinced it was cancer or something. I normally wouldn't classify myself as any kind of hypochondriac but I have spurts of this behavior. One time I had really bad heart burn after eating a loaded potato and started thinking about whether there was life after and death and more importantly how I could die without ever apologizing to my sister for breaking the leg off of her 'my sized Barbie' doll (still haven't done that). Point being I spent the whole morning imagining what would happen if died, and I'm not trying to be morbid I was thinking very practically.....I think. But its cool, I think you need to think about that every so often because whenever I think about death there's also this concern that I might pass on without embarked on certain adventures.
Point of this whole dilemma is that somewhere in the middle of it all I called my dad. I told him my concerns and told him I needed to go to the doctor and he was cool about it even with me occasionally referring to my head ache as 'the cancer'. He calmly told me that I had been a little out of sorts since I returned from my trip (he's right). His diagnosis was that I simply had too much on my mind (probably correct and as it happens headaches in the back of the head are associated more with stress and less with Cancer). He knows I have big ambitions but he also (to my surprise) knew that lately my ambitions were doing more harm than good. I spend more time thinking if I hadn't accomplished 'so and so' by now then its probably too late. After that conversation, after focusing on my job I almost didn't realize the headache had completely dissipated. My dad knows me and in that moment I think I could've freaked out at him because the old Greg would've been outraged at my his dad reducing his potential tumor to a bunch of white people problems, but not this Greg. I know it might be iffy to bring up Woody Allen but I couldn't stop thinking about his character in Hannah and Her Sisters.
Anyway on to the fun part.
Three positive experiences from yesterday: 1) I already mentioned my experience listening to Stevie Wonder. Hearing Innervisions sitting on my floor was transcendent. But I also listened to Robert Johnson's complete recordings which was equally pivotal. The important part was I didn't appreciate it when I had it playing as background and that brought to the conclusion that you can't really experience Rock n' Roll or in this case (or especially) the blues from behind a computer, it just doesn't work that way. 2) I didn't watch the super bowl because I spent much of it entertaining a 5 yr old named Zooey with her blocks. She assigned me to build, a stingray, a bird and a flying turtle...I complied and everyone thought it was a space ship and jet-ski that, for me, that was close enough. 3) After a day of kicking myself for not coming up with anything that excites me, right before going to bed things came into perspective. I hate when this happens always as I'm least prepared. My all time favorite TED talk address this, when sometimes you simply have to reach out and tell the higher powers "Really?! we have to do this now?! I'm about to go to bed".
Exercise: I had a specific motivation today. I had to work off the Nachos I ate from Denny', yeah that I happened and it was delicious while simultaneously making me feel like a piece of shit. So I saw my workout as a challenge.
Meditation: Music while meditating is pretty hit or miss for me but selecting Miles Davis' 'Sanctuary' off of Bitches Brew was perfect. While I'm still working on totally stepping back during my meditations. I came close to something that happened when I first started meditating. When you try to track your thought process it becomes really simple to delete the shit that troubles you, when everything is sorted out there's a good pile and a bad pile and you can take one of things they use to shove poker chips away (I don't know what the fuck they're called) and push it away. That didn't quite happen today but what did happen is as listened to all the zany departures throughout the song it was easy to let randomness of the arrangement carry me away from all the shit troubling me. Magic exists.
Random act of kindness: Another of my high school friends found their way into my activity. My friend Ellen and I had a crazy relationship being the best of friends and sometimes enemies. We always somehow manage to reconnect whenever I have a problem. When I was in DC I got a little drunk (shit, maybe I should quit drinking) at a small local bar and in the midst of my stupor I gave her a call and shared all my troubles. I thanked her for being a constant in my life today and she responded that she agrees this is a difficult time in life and that she's always in my corner.
I'm my second day on board of the happiness train I find myself really antsy. After one successful day and support of some of my friends I thought shit was going to be smooth sailing from here on out. I need to not mix up vehicle metaphors. Anyway, today I woke up with the vague idea that I would just do my Artist date today. For those of you who don't know what an artist date is. It comes from the book The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron, it's about discovering your creativity. The artist date is a tool where you take yourself on a date....yeah you do it once a week and you do something fun and you don't worry and just treat yourself. I wanted to go to the tropical fish store, because I think fish stores are beautiful with the way lights in the fish tank illuminate the room. Anyway this doesn't matter, because I didn't do that today.
I'm living here
We'll come back to that. The happiness tasks go as follows.
Exercise: This went great, I executed (badass choice of words) my work out quickly. I was so proud I took my shirt off in front of the mirror.
Meditation: I wrote a lot of really poetic stuff about my meditation today but it got deleted. Anyway, it was about what a challenge it was for me to step outside of my usual thought process. I spend so much time in my head and am always thinking so hard that I'm always taken back when people I first meet describe me as shy or quiet. I have to remember that they're not privy to the over analytical dialogue constantly going on in my head. I forget I'm not nearly as verbal in real life. I recently saw the film Before Sunset and Ethan Hawkes' character has a bit where he talks about how badly he wants to not spend time around himself. That was where I was at.
Positive experiences from yesterday: 1) The production company I work for got the chance to provide atmosphere for an outdoor production of The Tempest. We all got to just run around like clowns and act like mental patients for a few hours. The venue we were at features a large abandoned bus where me and my friend Noel had a talk that started as a heart to heart about relationships and how you can't hate yourself to talking about fucking spiders. Different kinds, like diving bell spiders that navigate inside of air bubbles, they're pretty amazing.
2) and 3) are both experiences from work. First was in the morning when I had to get my name tag replaced. I always expect to see timid DVM ladies with glasses. Instead I was greeted by this giant Keith David looking dude who seemed incredibly pissed off that I needed a new name tag. He didn't know what my ride was call, he thought it involved candy. I just found it really awesome. So the next one is when I was at my venue; the ride was down and my fellow co workers were all discussing their negative experiences working at Disney. My favorite was a story about how this guy's buddy was captain on the jungle cruise ride but was never in character and only told stories about his brother being a mall security guard. I found that fucking hilarious.
Gratitude: I was on a really awful trip recently. I was supposed to go to NYC but I ended up in NJ for reasons I'll explain later. After NJ, I ended up in Maryland with my aunt in the house by myself drinking blueberry brandy that was 50% alcohol without a hint of blueberries. I called up my friend Rachel who lives in DC and has been like my little sister for almost 10 years. She came and rescued me and brought me to DC, where I drank beer and learned about history. I thanked her for saving me.
It was hard remember to adapt today. I think it's because I wanted to do so much at once. I had all these stupid artisty ideas I wanted to do to fire up creativity. I'm not sure, if it was drinking too early or if it was Philip Seymour Hoffman's death, or reading all that shit about Woody Allen, but it just threw my day off. I have a separate book of just artist date ideas that I consult when I'm strapped for ideas. One of them was 'listen to Rock n' Roll' that sounded simple enough then I went and fucked it up by setting a timer and trying to work on my screenplay for one hour. It was just an off day, I'm closer to finishing the script than I ever had been and I keep trying to tell myself what Hemingway says "The first draft of anything is always shit" but it's not doing it for me. It's not even that its bad, I just feel like I'm going through the motions. In my mind I'm trying to make this whimsical, zany film but when I put in on paper getting through the plot points it just felt empty as crap. The synthetic happiness approach was not at the forefront of my mind today. I tried taking a break and writing a script about a cartoon squirrel (inspired by the plastic squirrel on my desk) that didn't work.
I needed to try pull the happiness thing. What I really need to do is to get away from the fucking computer. It is odd because I have a blog now. But when it comes to trying to be creative and whimsical(I've said whimsical twice, not a good sign) I'm better when I'm out in the world. I sat down on the floor and drank beer and turned on Stevie Wonder's Innervisions and that was the kind of rock and roll I needed to listen to. All it took was getting away from the stupid computer. I spent the Superbowl trying to teach a 4 yr old to play Apples to Apples. I don't know what the message of today was except maybe Stevie Wonder's Innerversions is the real secret to happiness. I guess it was actually a success, I felt like my brain broke for a bit but all I needed to do was re configure my senses.
Alright Day 1 of this circus. What better situation to test the theory of synthetic happiness than my first day back to work! I work at a theme park and for now I won't say which one because who knows what ramifications that might have, between me getting fired and some pervert on here finding me and beginning to stalk me!
So, I wake up all groggy at around 6:30 even though I went to bed at a reasonable hour. I looked at mirror to discover bags under my eyes but then BAM! SYNTHETIC HAPPINESS TIME. I remember I've had these shifts before and they are always really slow and really painless and there's no reason to have this sense of resistance whenever I'm on my way to work. So far so good. I'm adapting, like some kind of lizard.
When I arrive at work I'm early enough to get a spot in the normal parking lot that's now mostly blocked off to make way for construction of a parking garage. I was there with so much extra time I decided to practice my meditation right there in the car. I folded my legs, shut my eyes, repeated the same measured breathing for ten whole minutes. When you meditate the idea isn't to turn off your mind, in fact if something pops into your head you track where it came from. The idea is to step outside of your thoughts and try see them function. When I first started meditating I liked to imagine my mind would ideally function as a well oiled machine and for some reason I always associated it with model trains (yeah I don't know) but of course mine was never a well tuned train set. It was more like...
But of course there was improvement over time. Anyway when I meditated this morning I didn't experience anything too profound outside of a nice lightness and the fact that I was taken back with just how long ten minutes feels when you're not rushing to punch the clock. Something else I noticed was all the little industrial sounds that never register (from the parking garage being built) lots of motors and drill sounds in the distance, sometimes just picking out one sound or one detail to focus on or describe is a great way to stay in the moment. The alarm on my phone startled me because it sounds like a duck (yeah I don't know). And I had a quick beautiful little moment like something out of an IFC movie where as soon as I opened my eyes and looked up at the sky, all the lights in the parking lot switched off because suddenly there was enough light :)
I'm convinced the wardrobe building where all the employees assemble their outfits is like some 'Twilight Zone' wormhole where no matter how brisk you are in getting your outfit together you cannot escape in under 15 mins. Today that didn't matter because I carried with me the same sense of time I had during my meditation where I was really conscious just how much time I had. And for a while as I was walking I had some of the same lightness. SYNTHETIC HAPPINESS BAM!
Now I journal my three positive experiences from the previous day. My three positive experiences.
Here's the first thing I learned: Try to involve others in your positive experiences because when they all just involve you in your house you start to sound insane. Anyway:
1. I went for Pizza with my family: This isn't a huge deal but I just got back from an ordeal that was supposed to be a vacation (that I will detail later) so it was nice sitting with them and for once we didn't argue about some nonsense.
2. Me and my mom brought cookie dough: But the kicker is we used the self service checkout and when my drunk mom got frustrated with the machine she decided she was leaving all while still owing a few dollars. Funny.
3. Finally and most embarrassingly, Extreme Prejudice staring Nick Nolte was on TV: Extreme Prejudice is possibly one of the most manly movies you'll ever see and normally I'm not even into that sort of thing. But the male aggression just explodes off the screen in this movie. It makes The Expendables look like The Notebook. Its like every man in this movie just learned his wife was blowing his best friend and decides to go on a shooting rampage and they just happen to take their aggression out on one another. Just watch the trailer:
This is the most rewarding bit of the exercise, it really is a new way of thinking for me.
At work I was on the clock with some usual team members of mine. Let's call the lady Phyllis and the man Jeff, now they're both older and in Jeff's case WAY older. But they always have stories to share and I never interact much with them, not because I'm afraid of old folks but because they are so full of knowledge and life experience that I can't get on their level. And I overcomplicated normal conversations pretty often but I decided it was time for synthetic happiness. Yeah I'd rather be staffed with lots of fine ladies who love Nick Nolte but I'm here with Phyllis and Jeff so I'll bond. I learned that Phyllis is the baby of her family yet she is the one who takes care of everyone and sometimes pays her sister's electric bills, she also has a rump roast in her freezer along with a bunch of chickens. Jeff added in that he cooks his roasts for five hours and that makes the meat really tender. Synthetic happiness?? eh. Now I know who to go to for rump roast advice.
I spent the rest of my day focusing on how to be happy but I had two tasks left. One was to exercise, that was simple because I am strong and physically I feel I would do well in a fight. I did three sets of 100 crunches and three sets of 25 pushups (I got this number in a book that teaches you how to be a superhero). I felt pretty well. Now my last task was my random act of kindness. I had kinda put this one out of my mind. Then thanks to it being awards season it came to me. One of my best friends from high school, Haley (she wont care that she's named here) was married recently and I thought of her since we always used to talk about the Oscars. I told her how happy I was for her and how I still consider her one of my dearest friends, how she was a part of most of my best high school memories. On the flip side she's also one of the only people I know who loves Dances With Wolves so I had to remind her just for old time's sake that Goodfellas was better. We agreed that when I go exploring the country to find myself I'd swing by Nebraska (where she lives) and visit her. Randomly messaging old friends is great, it puts things in perspective when it comes to what kind of impact two friends can have on each other.
Shawn Achor: The
Happy Secret to Better Work: Shawn talks about how the human brain can
actually be rewired to become happier. Happiness is usually categorized as
something that needs will be attained if we accomplish something, this is all backwards. We think if we
achieve this or that, if we get this job, if we get this girl, we will be happy but in
fact being happy should be the first priority then when we’re happy these said
things are more attainable. Shawn opens the talk discussing how when a
statistic is taken it becomes the study of what is average, the idea is to
eliminate the weirdos to uphold the average but this does not help when it comes to creativity or potential. The
idea is not to delete the outliers who aren’t average but to ask why and move
the entire average up. In short its about how little emphasis is placed on people's happiness when you take a step back and look at some bullshit statistics. Its about rewiring for happiness.
Dan Gilbert: The
Surprising Science of Happiness: There’s something called the impact bias
where we assume certain outcomes will be overtly different when the results end
up doing otherwise. But in most cases happiness can be synthesized. We have
psychological immune system we are not aware of. Gilbert lists 3 figures who
should be really pissed off but aren’t because of something called synthetic happiness.Natural happiness is what we get when we get what we want and holy shit, that's awesome. But synthetic happiness is looked down upon because of the choice of words, but there's a lesson to be found here. Success is getting what you want, happiness is liking what you get. There was an experiment where people
select their favorite painting but are not given the one they select, they're evaluated, then several weeks later it was found that everyone came to prefer the painting they were given . The
ability to change your mind is the friend of natural happiness, but it’s the
enemy of synthetic happiness. And when you’re stuck synthetic happiness is the instinct that should kick in. Now of course the lesson isn't not to strive for success but that when shit does not seem to come together to remember we have a natural instinct to adapt that we can exercise whenever the powers that be take a dump on our face.
The Challenge:
Well….Get Happy
These two set ups will be fun to prepare because
they are different approaches to the same problem. One is about reflecting and
the other is about adjusting and adapting. But what they both have in common is they
both deal with the lens we see things through. The idea here is to change my
entire thought process, and re scan my
brain for positive experiences instead of negative.
The idea isn’t some brief happy spurts, like a musical
number with animated birds landing on my shoulder but an entire re wiring.
Another website I consulted, High Existence, discussed the first step in
getting out of a funk was making a conscious choice to be happy. So, it’s not
just about following a series of instructions it’s about taking charge of the
goddamn happiness train. What’s the first advice every a-hole gives you when
you’re broken up with? That you shouldn’t let someone else control your
emotions. And that’s fine but that should be the pretext all the time, not just
when your heart is stuffed into a pressure cooker.
The activity
Let me focus on Dan Golbert’s talk first because it is full
of great ideas but I had a hard time deciding where exactly the challenge came
in. What I think is great about it is that my first instinct when hearing the talk was to decide where I can apply synthetic happiness. Because often they are small little day to day moments that I can have a better outlook about, like driving to work and dealing with assholes on I-4. Realizing what you can change and what you can adapt to is as big a part of the talk as anything. If I step back and look at a particular situation and the idea of adapting to it seems unbearable then maybe I need to consider if its something I can change.
Part 2 of the challenge is a little more straightforward as Shawn outlines very specific guidelines to practice each day that will make us happier........ and probably more pleasurable to be around.
> Keeping a Journal: Of 3 positive experiences from the previous day. This re adjusts my outlook to focus on my positive adventures not my negative ones. It gets your brain in the habit of recalling happy times.
> Exercise: I already do this so I'm a bit skeptical, but this challenge entails doing it every day of the week, so maybe that's the difference .
> Mediation: Meditation takes you out if this fast paced ADD generation we're stuck in. We don't need to have cosmic visions that feature elves every time we meditate. All we really need for a valuable meditation is to realize just how long an increment of time like 10 mins really is, there's lots of time to breath. Stepping outside of ourselves is highly therapeutic.
> Random acts of Kindness: This doesn't have been things like volunteering at a homeless shelter. Just simple acts of gratitude towards the people in your life who have stuck with you. I like to do this with my married friends because most of us have had a conversation at one point about becoming adults, and needless to say they've done better than me so it shows I'm not bitter.
