30 Days of Creativity and Play/Vulnerability

When you're being creative sometimes things get you down. When this happens, you may not notice it right away but it affects your work. Keeping the excitement that comes with being creative at the forefront of your mind is a process. In The Artist's Way there's a tool called you're creative well and it's made up of everything that inspires, books, poems, films , paintings, quirks, songs, jokes. If you keep your well fully stocked you'll never forget what a privilege to experience everything there is to offer.

This challenge, easy as it sounds got off to a slow start because I was letting my well dry up. Work was beating me down. And I was sad....yeah big surprise right? Well when I devoted myself to day of creative it ended up being harder than any of the other challenges....because I'm fucked up. What could be better than being in situations where you just get to play? Sounds great. I had to spend a few days just being lame and trying to remember what made me happy.

I wanted to spend this time, this challenge finger painting and shooting nerf rockets but I didn't know what to do. It was a gradual return, I went and brought an album I always loved on vinyl, Jefferson Airplane's Surrealistic Pillow the album is famous for their singles. 'Somebody to Love' and 'White Rabbit' I sat and listened to the whole thing beginning to end. No computers or any of that shit. I took in the music totally unplugged. Next I spent some time trying to work on my script, that was hit or miss. Without putting everything out there, my script is about superheros ( I know) and I needed inspiration so I simply wikipedia'd articles on my favorite comic book characters. Within the hour I was on a message board debating which characters would win in a fight. At first I was embarrassed that I spent time thinking about such juvenile shit but then I realized that was just the kind of play I needed. I spent the next day at the bookstore purchasing comic books and books of poetry.

And toady, I decided a better way to guide this challenge is to do multiple artist dates each week. As opposed to one. One of the most interesting artist dates I came across was: 'Create a book of quotes from your friends'

This was awesome because I forgot how many weird friends and acquaintances  I have. The quotes were sometime encouraging, sometimes , hilarious, often random and so on.

So I'm back on the right track. As far as vulnerability I think I've said enough shit here. Stay tuned.          

Day 2 30 Days of creativity and play and getting my ass kicked

Yesterday was a day of creativity and play. I went to the park and saw animals in the wild. I saw a whole pond filled with turtles and wanted to give the, all names. I saw a bunny and I picked five pretty flowers. I even did something I hadn't done in nearly 20 years I collected rocks!

If you're ever at a loss of what to do with idle time just go find a pretty rock. It's easier than you think. I remember thinking about how much I loved New York and it was odd because it couldn't be further from New York. But I realized how much it was all a state of mind for me. The lightness I feel when I'm in a city I love was, for the first time duplicated right in my own back yard. Not literally. But ya know.

I treated myself the whole day and that doesn't mean I jerked off. I mean I took a walk brought myself lunch than browsed my favorite record store. And did it all in a few hours. Just like when I meditate I couldn't believe how much experience was I'm such a small span of time.

So that's the play what about the vulnerability. I remember just thinking of Whitman being out in nature. And I remember a friend always asking me to read her Whitman like an 8 year old asking for a bedtime story and that was the first time I'd been able to laugh at my friend who I had grown apart from. That's why it's no healthy to try to pretend shit that hurt you didn't happen because you never know when you might look back and have a revelation. People grow apart that's just what happens and it's especially hard when you feel it happening, let them go gracefully but it doesn't hurt to leave something behind :)

30 Days of Creativity and Play

1  30 Days of Creativity and Play

The Talks Elizabeth Gilbert: Your elusive creative genius:  First off this is my all time favorite TED talk. She talks about the many anxieties that writers face and she also discusses how she dislikes the idea that all artists are manic depressive alcoholic pieces of shit. She spends most of the talk pointing out how frightening the prospects of being an artist can be. She tries to backtrack and uncover if previous generations had a less frustrating approach to being an artist. The big kicker is that the word genius only started referring to a single person in recent generations, the word comes from an idea that ‘genius’ is an entity of its own something that inhabits artists every so often, this is wonderful because there is significantly less pressure on the artists. The idea is not only that we have to take the chance and embrace our creative process and think of it that we may be inhabited by this daemon and most importantly it encourages us to check in with ourselves and talk out with our creative spirits. Creativity doesn’t have to be this shitty painful internalized thing.     

Tales of Creativity and Play: This talk is really a blast, for me it’s a little bit tough but it’s really just an invitation to screw around and have a blast with your work. The talk encourages the amount of openness we have as children and when you’re exploring it makes sense. There was the episode of Rugrats where the kids all get really excited about a box because they each imagine it as something else.

The Challenge: Sounds like a simple 30 days but make no mistake friends. This will be an odyssey that will test my mind body at spirit. There are two things to take away from my favorite talk, first is the idea that when people thought a genius was going to possess them they would go out and do their dance and even if they weren’t sure that genius was going to possess them they would dance anyway. So the idea here as beautiful as the whole the thing sounds is to….dance anyway MOTHERFUCKER!! To do your work regardless of the creative spark. The next bit is to check in with myself to reach out and talk to whatever elusive muse is out there and say, can’t you see I’m trying to sleep or just say hey I’m trying to masturbate here? Deal with your muse.

Then the other part should be simple right? Just play preferably something ridiculous maybe I’ll sit in a box or go to a pet store. Or draw some unicorns or take pictures of my dog that’d be awesome right? Just play. But the idea only starts silly it’s not meant to be mindless. It’s to build towards something.

30 Days of Getting My Ass Kicked: Half Way Point

Its only been 15 days and I didn't even blog for all of them and I'm continuing my theory that I invited this in. Its been a shitty 15 days and the hardest part is even though I've acknowledging how hard its all been I've been wondering if I've really been following the steps. Telling my whole story. But there's been one person who I have told it all to.

My friend Charlotte, who's only about twenty has been witness to all my bullshit from halfway around the world and I thought to myself today that maybe I should give her a break from me. She's a girl who's wise beyond her years and will probably be incredibly successful. She's been incredibly concerned for me during this period where I've been a whiny bitch. And not this lame concern where you unload on them and they nod, but a real concern where they go out of their way to ask how you are.

I'm grateful for her concern and that I have such a beautiful friend. But I also feel really guilty. Why should this girl have to play therapist to some idiot on the other end of the globe? I was ready to take one of my breaks from Facebook. I periodically take these just to unplug. I told her I was getting off and she was upset that we wouldn't have any other way to talk. She knew I had been struggling and actually wanted to continue to talk.

I realized something. Charlotte was never someone I put on some bullshit guise for. Even when I first met her. I told her the second time we hung out about what a hard time I was having when we were drinking vodka straight from the bottle. I told her my girl problems and all the issues with my script and so an and she wasn't freaked out or anything. She's the fastest growing friendship I've ever had and it came from me telling my whole story to her.When you meet someone really genuine you need not worry about awkwardness or any of that shit and for you skeptics, believe me they are out there.  

30 Days of Getting My Ass Kicked and so it goes.

Am I doing this write? I don't think so. Telling myself is getting harder and harder as I get closer to 26 and in turn closer to 30 and the gaps in everything I always imagined for myself grow wider and wider. Some days I'm so in my head that when I re focus I think that I'm lucky I wasn't driving because I could have driven head on into a barrier.

What happened? I worked a lot and I've come to the conclusion that I hate my job but maybe that's all my fault I mean I've put myself in this position for a year and maybe I'm really encouraging this shitty situation maybe its my fault. I think about before my friend went away she told me I'd be a famous director when she got back and I don't think I could be further off.

At work I try to have meaningful conversations with guests and this is usually to no avail. I try to recount positive memories from the day and while there's never anything that stands out. But maybe this is an area where its okay to be vulnerable, maybe I need to tell the story about how I'm not okay with this situation and that its really something that gets me down. You know what else has me feeling like I'm not enough is that I have multiple superiors who are younger than me. Its not only that I work where I do, it's that I'm in the most inconsequential position. This is what I have to tell me people when they ask about my career. I guess I'm vulnerable now but this all fucking really frustrating and honestly I don't feel better discussing it.

All I need right now is the sense of love and belonging. Now what does everyone tell me. That this is just a necessary step and that I'm still so young. And I can't argue, they are right. I just don't have the courage to be imperfect. Here's one more thing before I go. Me and my friend, the one I keep bringing up. The friendship reached its end. It didn't work. I can't help but feeling like I failed. And it happens, people come and go and its normal. I didn't fail I'm just imperfect but I can't except that right now. I feel vulnerable I feel all kinds of shame, but I'm still not at the point where telling mys story turns into any kind of connection. Oh my god this is gonna suck.

Day 6 or I don't know. 30 Days of Getting your Ass Kicked

I think I'm going to lay off the alcohol for the remainder of this challenge or at least reduce it and I think I'm going to get off of Facebook. Not only have these traumatic sad experiences shaken me up the last few days but its been especially challenging whenever I have to relay it back to someone else. No why would I relay it back to anyone else? Because that's the whole part of this motherfucking challenge that matters.

Tell your whole story.

I've had a year of being down on myself that came from a combination of things, but now I look at it and its really been more like a year of recovery. I realize something, that as I express myself more, the more I open I become the more I, in turn become receptive to others around me. I become less of a judgmental assclown. This happened the other night when I randomly called a friend, who I guess had a year just like mine and is now finally on to better things. It was one of the best times I'd ever had hanging out with her. And it was an occasion where I was taken back by how genuinely excited I was for someone else. It's a not a feeling I have normally because I'm insanely jealous of others success and that's one of the worst mindsets anyone can possibly have. Because not only does the feeling of being truly happy for someone make you not a piece of shit by very definition, but because its a great feeling. Other people's journeys should feel like inspiration not hindrances. 

So here's what I have to say. If you can do this with a friend that's great and if you can do it with an acquaintance that's even better. Take the time to be in awe of someone's journey even if its all about a really good cupcake they found. Take this in more often and fighting the good fight will start to come way more naturally.    

Day 4 30 Days of Getting Your Ass Kicked

This is probably closer to Day 6 well. Fuck how did that happen. Maybe I should just stop labeling the days and just blog whenever I can. You know what? I'm not looking for perfection. Just progress. The last few days kicked my ass. Here's what happened I was a champion on Thursday morning. I completed my Artist's Way stuff and I had written a nice portion of my script and then stupid shit happened. My best/friend I've always had a thing for....yeah the same one I blocked. Got engaged. Despite everything I found out.

I'm not going to turn this entry into a post about my personal life. Or how I'm tired of being friendzoned or anything stupid like that. Because that's not what this bullshit blog is about. The blog is about how a deal with it. And I didn't do it the right way. I drank way too much and spent dinner describing my sexual exploits to my parents over martinis. I spent the rest of the night in a drunken stupor, taking a bubble bath and calling up random friends with all my sad stories. This is the part that's important. Because not only did I purge all my sadness and even cry for portions but I opened up to....shit...I don't know how many people I have to check my phone.

And it wasn't just that I cried like a bitch. It was that so many other people re assured me that they'd been through just as much nonsense. The general consensus was...that it sucks and its going to keep sucking. That's never on any plaques but it really is the best advice sometimes, no tactics no reflections, just the realization that....things can get pretty shitty. Wow I wanted this to sound profound but here we are. I wish I could remember the better advice I was given but I was drunk. More updates soon.